soulstirringexperiences

The journey never ends ...

2008-07-07T16:05:00.003+04:00

The soul takes it's form for a purpose...yet it's journey never ends.

Likewise my dearest blog 'Soul Stirring Experiences' came into my life two years back for a purpose which was for the healing of my soul !

I am now convinced that it's purpose is complete. It's time for the soul to take a new form and a new purpose. As I bid a good bye to my darling 'Soulstirring experiences' I want to thank the universe for it's existence in my life for the purpose it was set out to achieve and it successfully did. It shall always hold a special place in my life.

However for all those wonderful friends who shared each moment of my soul stirring exdperiences I would like to share about the new form this soul is taking this time and the journey it's setting of to ...

Yes it's 'http://nutsaboutlife.wordpress.com.'

I look forward to our paths meeting yet again in the soul's new journey !

The unshakeable ocean

2008-05-21T17:22:00.002+04:00

This morning I felt as though nature revealed to me a beautiful secret. As I sat by the sea side admiring the vastness of the ocean and wondering about it’s depth, something peculiar caught my attention. The ocean almost looked like it had 3 distinct colours. There was one patch of the ocean that looked like a dark, sad and dirty muddy brown, the other was a beautiful shimmering glamorous blue and the third a calm angelic white.

I was very intrigued by this peculiarity of the ocean and tried to understand why it seemed so. Just then I noticed the sky above that almost teasingly seem to break into a big naughty smile. The three distinct colours that I saw on the ocean where actually the refection of the sky above it . The dirty muddy brown patch was reflection of dark monsoon clouds, then there it was the clear blue sky that reflected it self making the ocean look like its was flaunting its glamour and youth and last but not the least the candy floss looking patch of white clouds that reflected the third calm angelic white ocean.

It was a beautiful sight. What really stuck me was the fact that ocean continued to do what it was needed to…flow aimlessly, make new waves, be expansive, stay calm in its depth, accept what was offered to it yet choose not keep anything within itself, be joyful and playful on it’s surface creating one wave after the other. My perception of what it really seemed, it’s darker side, its glamour or it’s calmness didn’t not bother the ocean. It just consistently continued to do what it was needed and meant do.

This unshakeable trait of the ocean just inspired me. It almost felt like nature shared its secret with me…telling me to keep flowing and continue to do what I was needed to do irrespective of what perception people around me had about my being and the choices I made

This unshakeable trait of the ocean just inspired me. It almost felt like nature shared its secret with me… Thank you my darling ocean for re-instilling my faith in believing myself and doing what my heart truly desired

The Bucket List

2008-05-10T16:14:00.000+04:00

Like it is rightly said about books, that ‘Books come to you only when you need them’ I would say that I can say the same about messages. Messages come to you from where ever and only when you need them. Messages from the universe that is. Today I got yet another one. I just watched the movie ‘The Bucket list’ . It’s funny how it got released a while ago and though I wanted to see it just couldn’t manage the time. I guess it was waiting for the right time to show up to me.

The Bucket list – It’s a story of two strangers who met at a hospital room and realize that they are terminally ill. Death wasn’t really far for both of them. There was nothing in common for them yet they decided to together do all the things they ever wanted to do before they die according to their Bucket list. In the process both of them heal each other and ultimately find joy in life.

I loved the idea of making a Bucket list …a list of things that you want to do before you hit the bucket. We all have this list ready in our heads and hearts just that we get so caught up with life and it’s demands that we put it aside. Logic doesn’t permit us to be unreasonable and follow our hearts. Fears and funnily most of the times fears of others (i.e fears that people have for us and try build it in our minds) stop us from exploring simple joys of life. Most of us hit the bucket without even giving ourselves a chance to explore our true desires. We cover up or blame situations, life, people, responsibilities etc. Which suddenly made me ask myself… Why wait to realize that time is running out?

As for me, I realize I could have gone forever last June (’07)…and the thought of dying without even getting a chance to live my bucket list is making me uncomfortable. But I am Destiny’s child ( I love this phrase… it’s a name my dear friend Suranjana and myself have given ourselves) and I am right here Alive and writing this post. That is a miracle of life, isn’t it ?

So, I have decided to create a Bucket list for myself and as each desire of mine keeps getting fulfilled I will strike it out from my list. At the same time I am going to continue to add as many more as I wish to. I will live each desire of mine surpassing fears, circumstances and people. Because, today I understand what it means when it is said that ‘Life is true gift and you are the happiness you seek.’

I know my dear friend Sushma is going to be very happy reading this post of mine and say

“ Welcome to your life !”

Living in the Virtual world !

2008-05-09T17:13:00.000+04:00

I have head this a couple of times from my colleagues when they introduce me “ She lives more in the Virtual World than the real one ”, “Virtual world queen” etc. I find these introductions strange, curious and even funny at times. It’s a perception that they seemed to have build about me as I am socially more active on chats, networking sites, mails and my blog.

I believe that I am more ‘real’ than most people are but yes very few and close ones really understand or know about my reality. Perhaps I am more visible on the virtual world than I am on the so called social real world. I guess it’s a choice I have made.

Well who in today’s time isn’t living in the virtual world (unless of course one is technology challenged). Not that this post is meant to promote living in the virtual world … I don’t encourage it but I believe each one of us have two sides to us …A Superficial one and a Real one. The superficial side is our guard and the real most times we reveal only to the loved and trusted ones. Virtual world I believe is really the mid path.

It’s a world that lets you express what you truly believe in but don’t generally land up stating with the fear of being misunderstood, it’s a world of no judgments (of course if you are trying to read between the lines), it’s a world that makes it easier to keep in touch or keep track of people who matter in our lives, it’s a world that opens up doors and makes it easier to reach out to like minded people ( which I think is GREAT ), It’s a world where we seem to respect people’s opinions and views and treat them at face value rather than trying to be reactive or defensive or being righteous about our own views, It’s a great world of sharing, it helps u see different perspective, it makes you go in awe of how passionate people are about life and a lot more that revolves around it., it’s inspiring, it’s creative, it’s expansiveness, it’s exploration and a lot of fun …the more you give the more you get. Well I can keep going on and on about the same.

I quite like the Virtual world …it’s a world of new possibilities, opportunities and beginnings.

Cheers to the Virtual world!

I Believe - Celebaration Of Life !

2008-04-16T11:02:00.014+04:00

Extravagant, Power, Energy, Colour, Vibrancy, Spiritual Journey, Passion, Positivity, Lavish, Humbleness, Love, Faith, Hope, Fun, Action, Glamour, Dance, Music, Celebration are just few of the long list of words that come to mind when I think the Spectacular 'I Believe Show' by the very talented and very humble Shiamak Davar.

Well yes I am one of the most fortunate ones to have been invited to see the show twice. The 1st time being last DEC ( ‘07) and then last nite.

It's a show closest to my heart for two beautiful reasons. 1st being my dearest darling angel Shiamak and the theme 'I Believe'. While people probably meet Shiamak at parties, shows, award functions I met him for the very 1st time in last June(07) at the Surgical ICU of the Breach candy hospital after going through the biggest and longest surgery of my life. Hell had broken on me about 15 days prior and I didn't know what more was going to come my way. Just then Shiamak arrived in my ICU room out of the blue to meet me. Did I know him before that .. Well NO !! He was waiting outside the ICU to see his best friends father and he chanced upon my mother and on hearing about me just told her that he wanted to meet me. I was in a bad state physically and emotionally. As I saw him I felt a strange soul connection as if I had known him for a really really long time. 10 mins of very encouraging and kind loving words from him brought about a huge realizations and a big shift in my consciousness. Ever since I have been in touch with him in my own little way.

I BELIEVE Shiamak is one of the many miracles I experienced in the 7 months of my illness.

Me with my Family and my Angel in Dec '07

The 1st time I saw the 'I Believe' Show was yet another turning point in my life. I had just finished my 6th Chemothearpy session post 2 large surgeries (Yes 'Chemo'. I know I have never mentioned this on my blog but the 7 months of trauma I went though was my fight against Cancer) I yet had 1.5 month to go before my final treatment would end. These 5 ½ months had been very difficult, painful and trying.

Though the light at the end of the tunnel was nearing I was loosing hope, faith, tolerance and patience. Just then the 'I Believe' show came up again as yet another divine intervention. I remember I cried through the show as it re- instilled in me faith in the divine, Belief in MYSELF, positivity and the fact that nothing and absolutely nothing was impossible if you truly believed in it.

My Master Magician Prasad always say ' Nothing is impossible, we make possible impossible so let's make impossible possible now' The show truly was a turning point for me. It uplifted my spirit. The next 1.5 months post the show were the toughest and most painful. But my re- instilled Faith and Belief thanks to the show and a million prayers sailed me through it all.

Last nite as I saw the show again. It touched me yet again. But this time it was different feeling. It was a Celebration ! A celebration of my Belief in the Universe, Miracles, Divine Grace, My teacher, My family and all my angels. I had tears of joy as the energy of the show took me on another platform yet again.

Sush and me with Shiamak on 15th April '08

The messages that truly touched me this time were ' I am Alive' ( I wanted to just get up and dance myself to that song ) , 'Wear your happiness everyday', importance of 'Coexistence – How a soft river flows through hard rough rocks yet they both beautifully co exist , Go with the flow', 'Believe in yourself.. no matter what they say', 'No mountains are so great …have faith' ' Because you loved me'' He lives in you…He watches over you' and my all time favorite ' YOU are the happiness that you seek'.

All these and more messages were delivered by my darling Shiamak and his team by a beautifully choreographed dance and singing. The energy of the dancers was almost overwhelming. Shiamak's spectacular singing, energy and positivity just seem to spread like divine showers specially when he and his team come into the audience and interact with them, makes each one dance and sing and just be their child like selves. No matter how many times you watch this show it puts you in complete AWE.

I do have to make a special mention of Shiamak's Special children of the Victory foundation that come on stage. Be it the genius Rohan who can within seconds tell you the day of the week the moment you give him a specific date in the last 3 yrs or the whole bunch of them some on their wheel chairs that are so beautifully propped that made them look so beautiful. I remember the positivity of these special children had touched me in the last show when Shiamak asked one of them I think it was Rohan why his eye was red. The normal response you would expect from any one would be " oh I hurt it or oh its an infection I have' but this special child filled with positivity said " Oh it will go away". They surely and truly inspired me. As the fabulous part was the jamming session between Igor on the saxophone, Nilhil a percussionist and Milind on the flute. It was spectacular. Also cant forget to mention the opening act by the 10 year old Aryman Birla who sings the most touching " I Believe' song also the beautiful Katya who so gracefully danced to Salsa rhythm .

All in all It was a SOUL STIRRING EXPERIENCE and my day was made. I took back home immense positive energy ( I think I am bubbling with it since morning that is why I couldn’t but resist and write this post early morning) , belief in MYSELF and the Universe, Celebration, a healing hug from Shiamak and lot of love he showered me with post the show. LUCKY ME !!!

Thank you Universe for bringing such beautiful and loving angels in my life and Thanks a million Shiamak for being there for me. It truly means a lot to me. I LOVE U !

PS : Click the link for a Photo Album of the show http://www.shiamak.com/ibelieve/photojournal.htm

The Race With Myself ...

2008-03-31T16:45:00.000+04:00

The subject for this post has been on my mind last 2 weeks. I have been toying with few thoughts I came across on the subject . While working on a campaign for a client my colleague Nishad came up with an interesting concept of ‘The only Race I have is the one with myself’ . The thought really intrigued me and got me thinking. Then I came across another colleague Prabhakar who mentioned to me that apparently there is Olympics analogy which talks about the fact that“ When u are competing, its not about competing with others but it’s about competing with yourself and your body”. Interesting, ain’t it ? Thanks Nishad and Prabhakar for bringing forth such interesting thoughts …

I also watched the film Race and there is this scene where Saif Ali Khan tells Akshay Khanna the reason why he always won against him . He says “ Tum issliye nahi jeete kyo ki tum humesha mujhe harane ke liye khelte they, aur mein kabhi nahi hara kyo ki mein hameshan sirf jeetne ke liye khelta tha” (You always lost coz you tried to only defeat me and I always won coz I only played to win.)

I knew it yet again that these were special messages from the universe and not sheer coincidences. I tried to put these jigsaw pieces together and see what the bigger picture was. Just then I realized that it was an answer to a question I have been struggling and suffocating with.

Post my illness I have been on an emotional roll-a-coaster. I find my self griped with all kinds of baseless fears. Of things I can do or not or how to meet peoples expectations and pace. I found catching up with people’s pace difficult and suffocating. At the same time while I had run in that very same pace I didn’t want to be in that rut forever. I wanted to enjoy what I was doing and yet do things beyond my imagination and at my own pace.

When I spoke to people about my desire I was told it was silly and until you in sync with other’s speed and pace you cant make it !

I felt upset and de-motivated at first. However I believed there was surely a way to make things happen the way I desired them.Just then the universe sent me the message about “‘The Only Race I have is the one with myself” And I realized that the only one person that could stop me was myself. And contrary to peoples belief I could still make it, if I believed in myself.

That’s when I realized that I had already been doing it in my life. I began to looked at my life last 2 months where I found myself constantly pushing to do the basics in life like ’WALK’. For 8 months of my illness I couldn’t and did barely walk. So much so that my stamina had become zilch and confidence shattered. I had to at one point re learn how to walk and take baby steps. Thus my 1st step of getting back my life on track was to get back my confidence in walking. That’s when I started going for morning walks in the beginning of Feb’08. I could barely do 1 round of the garden ( 400 mtrs). I use to wonder how others walked faster and confidently than me. Yet I didn’t give up hope and managed to keep walking. Within 15 days I was doing 4 rounds over 30 mins. I acknowledged myself for every little milestone I crossed. Yet that’s when I put an intention in the universe saying that by March ’08 end I would do 10 rounds = 4 kms in 45 mins. At that stage it seemed like a far fetched dream. Yet slowly but surely I kept at it trying to push myself to move further not bothered of how fast people walked around me but just kept walking at my own pace. And each day I began to enjoy my walk. Today I can say with great pride that Its been a week since I have managed to touch the 10 rounds mark at 45mins that too with ease. YES I made it again…step be step. I rejoiced it and celebrated my milestone. And at the same time just this morning I have put in yet another intention to the universe that by April’08 end I will do 10 km in 30 mins. Yes I know I will make it happen yet again … Coz the only Race I have is the one with myself .

Beyond The Horizon ....

2008-03-23T21:22:00.004+04:00

The journey well begun
Yet miles ahead to go
My eyes set on the horizon
Yet the heart prompts
It’s beyond the horizon that I shall go…
So as I spread my wings
All set to take off
I know this time for sure
Beyond the horizon I shall go …

This is yet another poem straight from the heart. Yes its been long since i have written on my blog. I get asked if i have run out of thoughts or lost interest. Well it's neither ...yes though the chatter of mind has considerably reduced and i have learnt to cope with my emotions myself. Yet this blog will always remain my special space. It has not only given me the platform to express so much that lie within but also acknowledgement and appreciation for my thoughts. So i will keep writing my heart out as and when there is a calling.

Making a diffrence !

2008-02-20T19:05:00.001+04:00

All these years I always looked upon people who made a difference in my life. I got inspired by their passion , their will not only to cope with tough situations but also bring out the best they can. They were my mentors who groomed me and have made me what I am today.

I never realized that one day I would be expected to play their role. Be a mentor, guide, lead, groom and make a difference. This is what I think they call the circle of life. What goes around comes back. So here’s my chance to make a difference. Lets see what contribution I can make to this circle of life !

Circle of life !

2008-02-01T18:05:00.000+04:00

Life surely has it’s strange ways. 10 years back it had brought me to a point where there was a need to stand on my feet, prove myself and get somewhere in life. I still remember how scared I was, struggled with my confidence and self belief kept dwindling. Yet step by step, bit by bit I made it …

These last 7 months of my illness has brought me back to square one. And as I begin to get back to life I have yet again a need to stand up on my feet. The confidence is a bit shaky and though I don’t have a need to prove anything to anyone any more…yet life seems to be expecting a lot out of me.

I have begun my new journey yet again and pray that step by step I will surely find my way….

The Irony of life !

2008-01-14T16:41:00.000+04:00

We all live our lives knowing that one day we shall reach that end however when the end arrives we struggle to escape it, we fear it and we still want to live on.

Life is surely full of ironies. Yesterday was one such strange day for me. I was stepping out for the first time post my winning over my battle with my illness of last 7 months. It was a time for celebration a time to acknowledge and thank the universe for giving me this special 2nd chance to LIVE my life again and the way I wanted it.

It felt great …yet at the same time I heard about a friend ( Not quite a friend but an acquaintance who I had began to empathies with due to the illness and suffering she had been going through last couple of months. ) Deepika’s defeat to the fight against Cancer. I never met her just spoke to her a couple of times yet she came across as a chirpy, bubbly youngster with the spirit to live life and fight for it. Yet inspite of her will to live she had to move on to another plane …to a world we all know one day we need to reach yet we know nothing about and the fear of the unknown stops us from taking a smooth flight there.

Yes indeed an irony of life it seemed, gave me the 2nd chance to celebrate the victory and took her life away inspite of her will to live.

I am not sad for Deepika coz I know the universe helped her rest in peace after the long tying battle against Cancer. This end is just a new beginning for her soul. May you soul LIVE on Deepika just as you wanted to …

Yet I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I have been fortunate enough to get this precious 2nd chance to live, dream,create, celebrate a wonderful life full of different kinds of beautiful moments.

I leave it to the universe to take me from here one to make the best of this precious 2nd chance …would be a lie if I said this leap of faith hasn’t come after conquering my fears, battling the unknown and overcoming the wavering faith.

Come universe take me with you …

New Year …New Beginnings!

2008-01-01T11:11:00.000+04:00

It’s a beautiful new year. A year full of new beginnings for me ! That 2nd chance to create and live a beautiful new life gifted by God. A chance to re-live all my dreams I held on to for years, a life full of miracles, blessings of angels and love showers.

‘YES, I MADE IT !’. Thank you, universe for supporting me completely in your most miraculous ways. Oh yes special thanks to myself for believing, being courageous, in surrender and supporting myself.

There is new rejuvenated energy I feel in me today. A renewed passion for life and yes a strong belief that I am always taken care of no matter what shows up in my life.

Wish you all an Happy, Healthy and a very Prosperous New Beginning too …

Cheers to 2008 !

Dard !

2007-12-30T20:54:00.000+04:00

Na jaane iss dard mein bhi kyo, ek khaas ehsaas hai
Na jaane kyo himmat na harne ki ab bhi ek choti si aas hai.

Iss dard se to ab ek gehra rishta sa mehsus hone gaga hai
Jaise uski har ek sisak dil ke bhaut paas hai

Pal pal har pal saath bakubhi nibhaya issne,phir bhi aaj isse aage nikal jane ki aas hai

Na jaane iss dard mein bhi kyo, ek khaas ehsaas hai
Na jaane kyo himmat na harne ki ab bhi ek choti si aas hai.

Well not that this is my 1st attempt as hindi poetry however this one i am writing from my hospital bed and straight from my heart(as I complete the last lap of my treatment going on for last 7 months.)
Was thinking about the long Journey I had with 'Pain'(Dard). This poetry is an expression of my final release, how i dealt and felt about the emmotional and physical pain this journey took me through.

Taare Zameen Par

2007-12-21T20:26:00.000+04:00

Just saw the film ‘Taare Zameen Par’ a directorial debut by Aamir Khan. It’s a well scripted and acted film. I totally loved the way it so beautifully brings forth what Dyslexia is about and emotions that the child goes through. Aamir and specially the new debutant child artist Darsheel is just brilliant.

The key message that the film conveys is that “ Every child is special”. But there is a deeper thought that the film has brought to me. Yes indeed every child is special however with growing years we tend to ignore this little special child in each of us. We beat this special often at the pretext of competition, relationship, pressures etc. The uniqueness of the little child within gets over looked. We always want to be like the other just being ourself isn’t something that we value. We take away its innocence & playfulness. Then we wonder where and why did we loose this special inner child within each of us. Thus its important let this inner child live and grow. Acknowledge and appreciate its uniqueness no matter how evident it may be to the world or not.

‘Once I was lost but now I am found …amazing grace’ on this note as I set out to seek and pamper that innocent special child within me I request you to set off on that inner journey too !

Sacrifice ...is it a must plz ??

2007-12-19T18:09:00.000+04:00

Have been observing and wondering why is it that great men /women ,geniuses be it in the corporate world who are visionaries, or be it doctors who are so committed to their patients and healing or legends like a Mahatma Gandhi who gave India a vision and will to get it’s freedom …all these great people while are committed to their lives purposes or rather passions they choose but when it comes to their personal and family lives just seem to be sacrificer's ( that was being polite the word I have in mind is ‘Losers’). Their families and specially their children pay a heavy price in the name of their parents hypocritical Value systems/ beliefs or just sheer lack of time since they are out build a better world for people out there walking over their children’s dreams and aspirations.

Is it really impossible to balance life. Is it a must to sacrifice one for the cause of the other. Or is it a choice these people or that matter all of us make? I am still seeking answers to this …anyone and suggestions ?

Loose Control !

2007-12-08T18:40:00.000+04:00

I have been realizing recently how majority of us are such control freaks in our lives. We try to control our lifestyle, work, relationships even our minds and others too. And if some day for some reason we loose control we freak out as if the world has ended for us. But it’s not really true. I for the last 7 months have no control over anything my body ( illness), my being stranded home, not able to go to work or do anything independently. And it initially freaked me out for a couple of months. I tried to control my body and it back fired me as if challenging me and saying “ Try ur luck buddy but ur not going to be able to control me.

Finally all I could do is what my teacher Prasad had told me long before my struggle …Just let loose and let be ! Surrender completely. The task of surrendering and let be wasn’t as easy as his words made it sound. It was almost like being on a cliff and taking a big jump into the river wearing a life jacket without knowing swimming but trusting the instructor saying u will sail thru this and when u do u will have the most joyous moment of ur life.

As I began to think of surrender was reminded of my Himalayan Trek experience where I just did that .. jump into the river for 30 ft height not knowing swimming but to just experience the thrill of what my friends were enjoying. I recalled the fear at the beginning, the almost giving up attitude and then the courage and trust that the instructor and my friends were there promising to take care of me if I didn’t float after the jump. And u know what I took that big jump and made it. Not only did I make it I lost my fear and took the jump twice ..it made me feel so proud of myself.

It’s exactly the feeling that I am getting today… in this final lap of my treatment. I made it through the toughest phase of my life .. just have the tail end to get done with it. And it makes me proud of myself. Its been a tough journey but yes I am almost there …and all I did to reach here was LOOSE CONTROL !

Yes my friends Loose Control and see what you gain and where it takes!

Shattered Dreams !

2007-11-25T21:45:00.000+04:00

Chhan se jo tute koi sapna, (jag soona soona laage - 2)koi rahe na jab apna, jag soona soona laagejag soona soona hai toh yeh kyun hota haijab yeh dil rota hai, roye sisak sisak ke hawaayein, jag soona laagechhan se jo tute koi sapna, (jag soona soona laage - 2)koi rahe na jab apna, (jag soona soona laage - 2) resoona laage re

I just like the lyrics of this song from the film Om Shaanti Om.
Yes I am talking of Dreams…
Don’t we all see dreams which we wish some day we will get fulfilled.
Some dreams get fulfilled and some just whiter away even before they can even bloom.
They hurt don’t they …the ones that whiter away.
Why do they hurt …they usually get replaced with a new dream, don’t they?
At times just small hurdle makes us give up on a dream…it actually doesn’t whiter away
We let it die coz of our fears.
Why does the hurdle challenge us, why we remember our past failures and give up out of fear?

When the heart really says “Hold on my friend, there is something that will happen if u trust, surrender and let things happen.”
May be the dream may come true in ways you didn’t expect but its not worth giving up yet !

The Last Lap !

2007-11-21T11:48:00.000+04:00

Yeah I have'nt written for a while…I felt like I was running out of thoughts. Which in the spiritual sense is state to be in. However I yet have a long way to go to arrive at that state of complete stillness. I just didn’t have thoughts worth penning down. Today I do !

The last lap of any race, why does it seem the longest when u can clearly see the finishing line?
Why does it make u restless and impatient?

It’s not winning or loosing at that moment, the task is just getting across the line …yet strange thoughts of not be able to make it, why do they need to arise?

Why does the belief that u have been holding onto that u are going to make it dwindle?

Why do small hurdles worry u ?

It’s the last lap for heaven sake…why is so difficult to hang in there a little bit?

You know its going to take u to ur victory no matter if it was just the race of ur life and maybe there were no competitors.

It was ur race alone and you have been determined to win it not matter what …its not worth giving up at this stage…

Victory is just few steps away!

Fear of Loss !

2007-10-29T14:40:00.000+04:00

How ironical life is…
All my life I feared loosing …
Loosing Love, Loved ones, Precious things etc
The fear made me so attached to my objects of fear.
Today I realized how thanks to my sudden illness I, myself had turned into an object of fear for my loved ones.
It’s a conflicting feeling to be in this position I realize
One is showered by love, affection and attention
However it makes you wonder if its sheer fear of loosing you that makes it flow.
Yet you tend to enjoy it too.
I guess I should leave the thought here and just enjoy the moments of love , affection and attention without reasoning it !

YES I MADE IT !!

2007-10-19T16:23:00.000+04:00

At my Master's feet !

6th Oct 2007

I just got back this Saturday from my 8 day Reiki Intensive course in Goa. I have been waiting for it since a year but coz of my illness last 5 months I was worried if I would be able to make it. Though this trip has reassured me that when ur Intension about something is strong and there is clarity and focus on your goal the universe unconditionally provides you guidance and strength to make it to your destination. That’s exactly what I saw happening to me.

Last 5 months I have been so shaky about my confidence, hardly stepped out of home thanks to no stamina and energy but my strong intent to get there seemed to tell me that may be I was conserving all my energy last 5 months to make it to this BIG graduation seminar ( It was a graduation seminar to the 10 month Basic Leadership Training program I have been training under my spiritual guide and Master Magician Prasad).

The most amazing miracle was the morning that I had to fly I was so unwell and worried. But once I reached the airport there was luxury awaiting. My sister’s friend a ground staff at the airport had taken complete care of my travel …not only that she got me an upgrade to Biz class which was no less than a miracle for me.

So Miracles happen if you trust and let them.

7th Oct ‘07
Morning by the ocean !

This morning as I sat by the ocean enjoying each moment and the beauty that the ocean was offering me. I Happen to see a bird flying over the ocean coming towards the shore. It made me wonder how far it must have traveled to reach the shore. I couldn’t even get myself to imagine the vastness of the ocean and the distance this bird flew to get to the shore. I observed it’s flight which was very interesting. It flapped it’s wings vigorously and the would keep then in a horizontal position and covered a large distance. It was almost like breather. I wondered what it’s journey would have been like to cross a vast ocean with no signs od the shore approaching. Would have it been tiring, trying, happy, frustrating, at times wanting to give up or just be focus on it’s goal to keep flying and reach the shore ignoring the long distance and with the hope that bit by bit it will make it to the shore, it’s next, it’s family and then the flight and it’s trails will seem just worth it !

What is amazing is that this little observation today has inspired me for sure. Just when I was getting tied of my journey ( the illness) and loosing patience, this little bird has inspired me to look at my final destination which is not far anymore and believe that bit by bit I am getting there for sure !

7th Oct 2007

The Dance !

Today is the happiest day for me after 5 months. I am not only in Goa attending m Reiki intensive workshop which I had strongly intended being at. Also I am listening to Sundaram live ( Stephan is his real name, he is my German friend who has the most amazing soulful voice and sings Sanskrit chants and devotional music). Today he sang all my favorite chants.I saw people from the group dancing away to glory. I so wanted to dance but my body didn’t seem to cooperate. I was so restless. I wanted to dance to Sundarm’s music.I had been waiting for this moment for really long.How could I let my body take over my most beautiful moment.. I waited, slowly gathered the courage and got up but my mind and body were playing games with me.I stood and watched people dance away my feet too began to tap. Just then the whole group began to form a huge circle and asked me to join in.

Just that very moment I took a spontaneous decision to take a leap…instead of joining the circle I walked into the circle and did a solo dance right in the center of the circle with
103 of my reiki family members, my mother and my teacher all in a shocked look for a moment and then broke down into a big smile cheering me away. While the dance lasted not more than a minute it gave me a pleasure of a life time.

A pleasure that I found after 5 months of trial period where I was loosing myself I thought. But this moment gave me a renewed passion for life again and living each moment like there is no more.

I could see tears of joy in my mothers eyes and immense pleasure in my teacher and reiki family’s eyes.

Thanks to my courage, spontaneity and Sundaram’s soul stirring music I lived a moment that I shall cherish my life time.

10th Oct 2007
How Big or Small ?

It’s not how big or small the situation or illness etc in life are, It’s how much importance that we give them is what makes them Big or Small is a realization I had when a friend mentioned the bigness of my illness and the 6 months of my life it had taken way from me.But life has it’s ways, just then I met a friend from my reiki famil who shared about 35 yrs of suffering that he had been going through yet living his life in his best capacity.

So what is really BIG or Small after all, isn’t it ?

With my lovely angel Sundaram !

11th Oct 2007

Yet a moment to Cherish !

Sundaram did it again..His magic ! Like my Master Magician Prasad I am so convinced that Sundaram is a magician too who really knows how to touch souls with is beautiful music and humbling voice. What made the moment magical was soft sands of the beach, the darkness of the night, the star studded skies,the cool breeze, gushing waves and the miraculous shooting star.In midst of this Sundaram singing way in his magical voice.

I have been visualizing this moment for long and it has been my driving forces to make it this year to Goa inspite of all odds. Here I am !

This magical moment has reinforced my trust in the universe yet again and it’s ways !

The 1st Step !

2007-09-28T18:00:00.000+04:00

‘Come to the edge’, He said
‘We can’t, Master we’re scared’.
‘Come to the edge ‘, he said
‘We can’t, Master, we’re scared’.
‘Come to the edge’, he said
They came
He pushed them …
They flew.
Freedom is our destiny.
Yet we fear taking the very step which will carry us into the greatness which is our own true nature.

I came across this beautiful apt passage from Brandon bays amazing book ‘The Journey’ just when I have been thinking on this subject for a while.

The 1st step …isn’t it the most difficult yet the same step can take us places we couldn’t have imagined. It can open a whole new world before us. The one we always dream of exploring yet tend to dread taking that very 1st step. I too for years dreaded that very 1st step.I would try to take a step ahead and found myself taking two backwards. Lived in the misery yet didn’t think I had the courage to take the step …Fear of the unknown I guess that pulled me back time and again. It’s funny how we are comfortable with our misery, it’s atleast a known area, a comfort zone of sorts.I was lucky however to be chosen by a Teacher who pushed me to that edge and yes now I feel I have I have learnt to take the flight.It was beautiful journey I am on.Yes at the moment it’s bumpy flight but as I find myself fly ahead flapping my wings with joy. I find myself enjoying a new found freedom. It takes a lot of trust and surrender and that hasn’t been easy either. However this new found freedom is amazing …Freedom from my misery, my painful past, my bottled up anger. Freedom from judgments of of people about me and my own judgments about them. Freedom from pain that others caused me and the pain I caused myself by bearing it for no reason. Freedom from the baseless noisy chatter to a beautiful silence I have begun to experience and enjoying in this moment.

Yes I donot know where this new journey I have embarked upon shall take me. Yet this very 1st step that I took for myself urges me to trust it and seems to promise me a beautiful journey never experienced before.
I too from this experience urge you to trust yourself, the universe or divine intervention and take the this BIG leap with faith, trust and surrender. This one 1st step I assure you will take you miles ahead to a beautiful life you have always dreamt of and always so desired.
So …ON YOUR MARKS ,GET SET and GO ...

Courage !

2007-09-28T16:10:00.000+04:00

‘Courage has power, genius and magic’. Just this one line from my master has taken me a long way and still continues to guide me further through this toughest phase of my life at this moment.

However, I have been realizing the importance of courage. I took it for granted all my life. When people came up to me and said they admired my courage in all the tough situations I faced in my life. I wondered what they were taking about. “ How else do people come out of situations and move ahead in life …what’s so great about what I displayed ?” But off late I have had eye openers …of situations where people run away from life, relationships and situation due to lack of courage . It’s been shocking to hear these stories. Specially cases,where people are faced with tough situations like a critical illness, prolonged treatments, depressions of menopause and post pregnancies.

I understand now that courage is not just required from an individual but the entire family specially when faced by situations that need a lot of patience. Else they fall apart. I have been appalled by people I hear stories of.

A father backed out because his 16 year old was diagnosed of brain tumor and is under tremendous treatment last 3 years. He has not only not contributed financially to the treatment, lost all contacts with the family and has asking his wife for a divorce. The courageous lady and her son are fighting this battle all by them self. Hatt’s off to them !

Heard of a yet another couple fighting cancer. The lady comes from a pampered family and hasn’t seem to have face tough situations yet. She wants to split from her cancer patient husband as she cannot cope with emotional stress of his illness has brought about in their life …Scary ain’t it. Are these kind of relationships that we find in today’s day and age!

A dear friends wife went frenzy after a post pregnancy depression and has demanded a split from her marriage on grounds of we were never compatible after being in relationship for 6 yrs. Makes me wonder what all can go wrong in relationships?

Why is courage so difficult.? Why do we loose hope and shatter so easily in tough times? Why can’t we accept that their sure will be light at the end of the dark tunnel ? Why can’t we always believe that there is a divine intervention that has the perfect plan for us only if we let it revel it to us and believe in it …

I know it’s really tough. I often find myself struggling with tough situations that do tend to break down my hope, shakes up my faith and makes me very angry with the divine sources up there. However last one year of my life I have finally begun to see that ray of light at the end of the darkest tunnel of my life.I have been fortunate and blessed with the best Master I could ever have had. He has not only stood by me, pushed me to the wall and finally taught me to come out of my misery and self pity. He has showed me to look beyond the darkness that seemed to never end. I am also blessed with a most bravest Mom and an amazing younger sister who have stood by me like the strongest pillar of strength I could ever have. I do go weak or get scattered and tried of fighting my current battle against my illness. Yet my master, my family, y best friends and my lovely reiki family encourage me all the time and ensure hey don’t let me give up on my inner strength. And surely I do Believe COURAGE has POWER, GENIUS and MAGIC.

Beyond the Break !

2007-09-28T16:01:00.000+04:00

25th September 2007

What lies beyond the break I what I wondered
New Beginnings …
A renewed passion for life …
Reveal of new dreams ad new ways to fulfill them…
Miracles galore, unconditional love showers…
Higher height to achieve…
Fun and adventurous flights to take off on…
Explore deeper depths that life has to offer …
The best gift though is the awareness of how to go beyond is just by being in the ‘Here and Now’ and taking each step forward as a blessing to go Beyond the break !

The Warrior !

2007-09-28T15:51:00.000+04:00

12th September 2007

I woke up this morning finding myself in a battlefield
I looked at myself, I resembled a wounded warrior
My body was bruised and weak, my wounds were bleeding, my spirit was almost dying
I could barely open my eyes. I looked around and tried to recognize myself
Who am I?
Why was I there?
What was my purpose?
I desperately looked for guidance and seeked answers to my questions
Just then I heard a voice from nowhere.
“You are ‘A GOOD WARRIOR’
You have fought many battles. Won some and lost a few too.
You have an undying spirit in you that keeps you going
You purpose to achieve victory and you are focused on it”
“What was I doing in this battle field ?” I asked restlessly
“ This is the biggest battle you have ever fought and perhaps the last one that you may ever.
You are half way towards victory, it’s half the battle won.”
“ But I am weak, wounded and my spirit is almost dying …how then shall I reach victory this time”
“ YOU ARE A GOOD WARRIOR , Warriors never give up and neither will you. Gather your dying spirit and remind yourself of all the battles won and VICTORY is ur’s for sure yet again”

I would like to dedicate this post to my dearest friend Shushma who a few months back showed me this picture of the warrior in me. Each time I find my spirit dying I remind myself of ‘The Warrior’ and I find myself gaining my strength and nearing victory yet again. Thanks Shushma with friends like you VICTORY is mine for sure.

The Beautiful Jigsaw !

2007-09-10T19:02:00.001+04:00

There was once a little girl who was gifted a large beautiful Jigsaw puzzle. The picture on the jigsaw was beautiful. She was told it depicted her life. Though at that moment other than it’s beauty nothing made sense to the little girl. She all happy and content with her new gift began to walk back the pathway to her home.

As she walked in her playfulness she happened to drop the Jigsaw puzzle. Each piece of the jigsaw scattered all over. The little girl broke down and cried as she tried to gather back the scattered pieces. She barely could gather a few.

What had remained in her memory was the beautiful picture she has seen. Each day of her growing up as she walked on her pathway she tried to look for the missing pieces.

Her strong will to build and understand the beautiful picture made the universe help her slowly gather back each piece slowly but surely in the most amazing way.

The process of this search was tough, tiring and painful at times. But seeing her persistence and strong will the universe kept sending her just the right signals, messages, the right people and the right time. That kept making the task comforting.

Today the young girl has managed to gather back a lot of pieces. Now she is beginning to see the beautiful picture form again. It is beginning to make sense…the beauty of the picture, the missing pieces, and the need for her search. Her quest is still on ..though over the years it has build her patience, understanding and trust. She has a purpose to pursue …She ain’t going to give up and she now believes strongly that some day soon she will gather all the pieces back and see the beautiful picture again.

Will to Live !

2007-08-19T18:24:00.000+04:00

As I walked the beautiful pathways of life in the most cheerful,chirpy and carefree way
So much in my own world, so in my own way

Was warned about the hurdles, was alerted about the demons
Yet I didn’t really ever seem to care, as I was always so caught up in it’s beauty that never could see the darkness coming my way

Unexpected one dark scary nite I tripped over a hurdle and fell in a deep ugly ditch
It was sure dark, ugly, scary, nothing like I had ever heard or seen of
For days I lie there bruised and in pain with little hope that too in vain

I was reminded of my beautiful pathway all the time
I did have the will to get there again one day

Yet the darkness of the ditch challenged my will time and again
Life seemed to be coming to an end, my will and hope began to crumble
Just then there was a rustle, a little light began to blink
A faint voice called out “ Is there someone down there with a will to live ?”

My crumbled hope and almost shattered will along with my bruised hurt body struggled hard to reach out to the voice
Soon I found myself struggling yet trying to climb my way up
My body was weak and in pain yet my heart showed me the beautiful pathway again
As I struggling reached to the opening of the ditch I had fallen from…I took the 1st breath of fresh air and saw my beautiful pathway ahead of me.

I looked around trying to search for the one who had called asking “ Is there someone down there with a will to live ?”
My search seemed to be in vain …there was no one in sight and I wondered why then did I hear that voice

Just then something from within spoke up to me , It said “Don’t look around my love it’s me your inner voice and your will to live that spoke too you and nobody else who has managed to get you out of this scary, painful, dark ditch, go ahead and walk the beautiful pathway that await you, live your life to your fullest and if you come across any ditches and hurdles yet again always remember your' Will to live' and u will be back on your beautiful pathway again..."

Listening !

2007-08-19T18:22:00.000+04:00

I had never really realized the importance of this subject. Yes Listening is the most important part of communication of any kind and yet we all take it so casually. Do we really listen? To people around us, to ourselves, or just the beautiful sounds offered by God. Yes these are question that came to my mind when I met up with a young 17 year old boy at the park a few days ago.

He is one of my dear friend’s cousin brother …Mihir. I have known him for years. He hasn’t been a normal born child yet over the years he has improved a lot. And now he looks and behaves very normal. (Except for his speech, which I found a bit difficult to understand )

I had stepped out to a park after ages was tackling emotional waves arising in my mind of my life’s sudden slow down. I think, I was getting in to my self pity modes. Mihir was taking his evening walk and each time he passed me he would give me really affectionate smile. After a while he came up and sat down with me and began talk. As if he was waiting to share and chat a lot. It’s was a very cute, innocent and touching conversation.

He talked about how he misses his brother who has gone abroad for studies, how it hurt him to see his cousin brother who is upset with educational life is angry with things and him and refuses to talk or play with him, he talked about how his special school had a lot of poor people and how uncomfortable he was with the bad smell from their clothes, how he had very few friends, how anxious he was of just ‘passing exams’, How he was on his own most of times, how he looked forward to meeting my friends /his cousin’s 1 year old baby and just playing with her,how he looked forward to celebrating his birthday with his mom and dad who took him to fancy restaurant and so on .

As I quietly and willing listened to him I realized how he really lived every moment, he didn’t seem to know or care of any major goals or ambitions in life, how small things that we take for granted meant so much for him, and that was his way of living may be that god had chosen for him. He had his own issues, sadness and happy moments.

For the 1st time I realized the importance of listening. The importance of what true listening could reveal about the other person who we merely judge but not really get to understand what his / her true reality is. It’s strange how we really don’t listen much yet expect to be heard out and complain how people around / loved ones don’t listen to us.

Thanx, Mihir our little chat or rather my willingness to listen has made realize it’s importance !

Insensitivity in today's medical professional !

2007-08-19T18:10:00.000+04:00

I am wondering if it’s the medical profession and dealing with so many patients in pain and illnesses that has made a lot of medical experts insensitive and heartless. They are sure there to help patience but somewhere I feel that in the rut of things they forget to empathies with patients and help them deal with their emotional turmoil other than the physical pain. Which I feel is so critical …tackling the emotional pain in an illness is half the battle won…that’s what I feel from my personal experience.

I have been blessed to be under the best doctors, a loving set of nurses and staff at the best hospital,but what about those not so fortunate. Aren’t they human and facing similar emotions and fears as I am. I had a short visit recently to one such general hospital the only place that could help with my physical pain I was struggling with. Yes I did find solution for the physical pain but their rude behavior and way to talking did upset me emotionally a lot. And in my helpless I had to take it with a pinch of salt.

Its sad but even a few fresh intern doctors in the making I met over my last 3 months of treatment made me wonder what these doctors in the making are going to be …They so badly need to be taught how to be humble and counsel patients who are in state of shock and trying to cope with a sudden critical illness that hits them out of the blue.

Films like Patch Adams and Munna Bhai MBBs have touched on these issues well. Yes medical treatment surely cure the dis-ease however it’s that loving human touch, just a smile, jaddu ki jappi, humour and just listening to the patient in pain can heal the patient faster.

I sincerely hope that more and more awareness can be brought about in medical colleges to deal with a human mind and emotion while under treatment.

Change !

2007-08-09T13:23:00.000+04:00

The one thing they say that remains constant in life is ‘Change’
I too am experiencing a lot of change at this stage of my life
A change within me, a change around me, a change all for me.
A change on a physical, spiritual and mental level
At first I feared it
It made me uncomfortable
I fought it then
Struggled to stop it too
Finally found myself, surrender to it as a silent observer
At the moment it doesn’t make sense at all
Yet something from within prompts me time and again to just keep the faith !

Thoughts ...

2007-08-06T11:36:00.000+04:00

I am happy at the moment …realized that the moment had come after along time
I felt good and wondered why ?
Just then I realized I was in the NOW
Away from the hurts of the past
Away from the un surety of the future
Away from the gripping fear the unknown
Just here and living this moment of happiness it had offered me
Just smiling away to the raindrops that reach out to me through my windowsill
Seem to kiss my face
Smiling away to the refreshing monsoon breeze that seem to come running past the coconut palms and play away with my hair almost teasing me
Smiling away to the Now that seems like blessing from heaven

My Master Magician !

2007-07-31T20:56:00.000+04:00

You came into my life just when i least expected you

You introduced me to miracles and what they can do

You pushed me up the wall, broke my myths and mirrored the truth

Your trials often challenged my existence, my faith

Yet you always healed me and showed me how my own strenght could change my fate

You filled my life with abundance and showered me with unconditional love

I just knew you were my magician

I just knew i was your chosen one !

This is a special dedication to my dearest teacher on the day of Guru Poornima (28th June 2007)

The Leap !

2007-07-26T19:03:00.001+04:00

It’s not like I haven’t taken the leap on unknown paths
It’s not like I wasn’t warned and thrown fears at
It’s not like I didn’t doubt a wee bit before the leap
Yet there was no stopping me …
Yet I did manage to combat my fears …
Yet I won the impossible …
Here again is an opportunity life has offered
All I need it to take the LEAP yet again with courage in my heart, fire in my belly and faith on the universe.
Here I come …Here I take the leap of faith and surrender into your arms …

Choices ...

2007-07-25T11:39:00.000+04:00

Was standing by the ocean ...
Had just begun to admire it’s vastness, calmness and depth.
Little did I know that next moment a huge ugly wave will hit me so bad and sweep me into the depth of the ocean.
I struggled, I fought, I cried in despair …
I am still alive and yet caught up in my helplessness...
Seeing my helplessness the ocean has thrown up to me some choices to make...
It’s asking me to have conviction in myself and fight the tides no matter what
Or it asks me to have courage and faith to flow with the tide, trusting it knows best and will take me through however tough it seems at the moment.
I am yet to make the choice …

Lonely Cloud ...

2007-07-23T22:46:00.000+04:00

Like a lonely cloud
I float in the vast blue skies of the possibilities

I don’t know where the winds of change shall take me
I see limitless boundaries
I don’t know what my purpose is at the moment
Yet for now I float in the vast blue skies of possibilities
Hoping my destiny shall reveal itself to me soon

Like a lonely cloud
I float in the vast blue skies of the possibilities

Hospital - The Circus

2007-07-23T22:34:00.000+04:00

Hospitals can be no less than comedy circus. Sure I didn’t appreciate the humour then in a lot of pain. Now that I look back I find a lot of incidents quite amusing. Here are some …don’t know if they are really funny but worth penning down.

1) To begin with my Doc …Dr Bansali an 80 year old man of principles and commitment towards his patients. A person whom I admire for his qualities.Well had a sense of humour though bad timing. One day he came into my room to open the stitches an clean the wounds etc . Which I must say is painful and scary. As he did his job I jumped up and down and was yelling in pain. Suddenly to distract me he goes…”Madame don’t scream that loud …don’t u know our hospital is under renovation” he he he …now that I look back I am amused though at that moment I just gave him dirty stare …he he he

2) The ICU …scary place that haunted me out of my wits ( considering out of my 7 day stay there the last 3 days I was the only conscious and alert patient). But did find a funny incident there too …one rainy Sunday. A young dudedish physiotherapist was around sulking as he was on 24 hrs duty. Dr Dee (His real name I can spare that from being disclosed though now that we are friends I call him Dr Smilee) walked into my ward to treat me for the regular therapy that patients get in the ICU early morning …(he normally I presume is a cheerful person but we all have our days don’t we…) As he gives me my treatments throws a line saying “ Are u in a lot of pain or little “ I was like “ little at the moment” So he turned around and says “ so that can’t stop u from smiling a little can it ?” I smiled back ( fake that was too…he he he )but in my head thought kitna fake dialogue tha khud to kab se sulk karkte hue ghoom raha hai …he he he.

That whole day he sulked around and I overheard other doctors trying to cheer him up but in vain. Evening he came for my treatment again and again marooned one of his lines saying that “I prescribe you to smile every hour”. By then I was too amused by the situation. After an hour I saw him sitting on the doctor desk bang opposite my bed and doing his favorite act for the day …’Sulking’. Me and my kidas couldn’t resist marroing my one liner on him …u know I don’t loose such opportunities don’t u …he he he . I called out to him and in a daze he looked around wondering if it was him or the nurse that I had called out for. With a confused and hassled look he walked upto me and asked what I needed. I turned around and said “ Doc what did you prescribe to me an hour back …he looked more confused so I reminded him “ A smile every one hour, right ?”… he said “ totally a must “…waiting for that reply promptly I replied “ then why are u sulking since morning …don’t doctors practice what they preach “ ha ha ha Zapped as if he didn’t know what had hit him we both broke down into a big laugh…he never would have expected a mad patient like me that to in the ICU…ha ha ha ha …I don’t think he will ever forget to smile when he is in the ICU atleast …What say Doc Dee ? ha ha ha ha….

3) Oh lets talk about getting back to the room …Hospitals are like army camps . Too disciplined …at times felt like a Robotics lab too everything had a fixed time and quite mechanical. Like 6am the nurse would wake me up to give me medicines …was very frustrating specially the night prior she had given me sleeping pill as I had been struggling to sleep …u dent wake a patient struggling to sleep all night … don’t they get that I thought in anger then. As if that was not bad enuff at 6 :15 am the ward boy would knock and say “ good morning madame …brush time” All I could give him was a angry stare … Who the hell brushes their teeth at 6 : 15 am …don’t they get it I am a unwell and need rest …but the one who took the cake was a dainty pathologist who would walk into my room every 6 :30 am and say in hr cheerful voice “ Good morning Miss Payal” and before I could barely register her good morning …she would prick me a needle and take a blood sample …” OUCH …I wondered every morning what was so good abr rhe morning when all she had to do was prick me “ grrrrrrrrr!

My sponge bath session was the nurses’s gossip time …most often I didn’t get the conversation as it was a regional language I didn’t understand. But one day they decided to talk in hindi and I was zapped as the gossip was about the patients they disliked …I heard one of them telling the other how she found this painful old lady irritating and how she felt like pricking her with injections to get back to her …OUCH I thot and immediately told them I hope they didn’t find me irritating as well…he he he Thankfully I was told that I was in their good book…He he he he

Then came the dietician …each day ( that is the day I was allowed food) she came with this menu that sounded like a five star menu. So payal what would you like for dinner today minty peas or sauté veges with carrot soup. Gosh she fooled me each day …when the actual food arrived it wasn’t as yum as the menu. The minty peas was actually boiled peas with 4 mint leaves…can u imagine. GRRRRR!!

Well i did pick on sme humour from there ...My Dear doc came up on the last day and said " Madame u are allowed all liquids except the one from Scottland. As he left the room i thanked God and told my friend and said "Thank god he didnt restrict France, Russia and Cuba ...i never liked Scotch any way !! ;) "

Cheers Doc ..it's all in good humour !

Slow Down !

2007-07-17T18:35:00.000+04:00

It’s funny you know, when I was in the rut and kept running the rat race, at times I got really tired and hoped for a slow down. I wondered most times what and why was I running in the 1st place for . But I just couldn’t stop or slow down. Once I did manage to slow down a bit to enjoy a quality life but my baseless fears and beliefs got me back on the race track as though I was just made to keep running.

My recent break down in life has brought me to a slow down and I am struggling with ….it seems so forced. It’s been the slowest slow down ( if that made sense!! ) in 12 years and may be that’s why I don’t know what to do about it. Not that I didn’t want to slow down but here I am limited by physical limitations and so many uncertainties that keep showing up to scare me.

I have been wondering what to do about it ?I happened to have a chat with my dearest friend Mayank last nite on the subject and he has left me pondering with some interesting thoughts. He began with a sports policy analogy . He said “When everything is fast and you don't know the direction...slow down..”

Sounded good but I debated further that it is easier said but slow down like mine is making me loose direction. It’s scary u know. And he replied “Just slow down...figure out and then start from zero speed ...or rather just slow down or maybe stop and figure out”

At 1st the thought intimidated me …but then it kind of made sense. This slow down has come for a reason…coz as wise ones say“Nothing is a coincidence …it’s always universe’s perfect plan “.

So what I need to at this moment to stop and try to figure the road ahead from here on and may be it’s a chance to lead my life again …and this time with some new choices that I can make for myself which perhaps can help me lead a life I always wanted to lead but felt victim to my circumstances…

Thanks Mayank for this beautiful analogy …I am sure going to reconsider my slow down and see how I can make something good out of it. Pray that I can utilize it to my best !

It can't happen to me !

2007-07-16T19:12:00.000+04:00

Just a thought …we see people in misery, pain and illness. We sympathize with them and pray for them too but often tell ourselves or rather ‘Fool’ ourselves (sounds like the more appropriate word.) “This can’t happen to me! “.

How little we know about life and how conveniently we try to always pretend to run from the truth of it’s unpredictable nature. And the day the ugly truth shows up we are shocked and look into the other’s eye’s that say “ Sorry for him / her but Thank god that can’t happen to me !”

Conflict ...

2007-07-16T19:11:00.000+04:00

My mind has been playing dirty games with me. It has seeded a conflict in my head from my hospital days that I need to release and thus I pen it down.

When experiencing pain and helplessness of the situation and forced slow down life has brought me to my mind conflicts and asks “ Should you be grateful that you were well taken care of and your illness was caught at just the right time with the right / best doctor/ treatment supporting you or should you be angry that WHY ME ? why did I have to go through the misery and pain ?”

My heart on the other hand pleads me to be grateful for divine help just when I needed it the most.

At times I believe what my heart says and times I fall a prey to my minds conflict. But there’s something beautiful that my teacher said which has got me thinking, he says
“ Courage comes come the heart and fear from the mind”

I guess, now it’s upto me to make the choice and take responsibility for it!

Mystical Ocean

2007-07-16T19:08:00.000+04:00

I sit by the ocean in despair looking for answers …
My pain takes over my body, mind and soul

I find the magnificent ocean drawing me towards itself

As I willingly get myself engulfed into the arms of the magical ocean it unveils its magical
healing powers

It shows me its powerful aggressive waves lashing to the shore it tells how they are just on the surface like my fearful thoughts

It takes me to the horizon where I see the depth of its calmness, the calmness I hope to bring into my heart some day as well

I am shown dark clouds wondering over , just like the phase I felt I was in …

Suddenly out of the dark clouds a beam of light gets showered from the heaven above, it almost felt like a healing gift from heaven to take a way my pain and show me the ray of hope

The waves each day seem to invite me to walk up and flow with them …Low tides, high tides and at times just it’s stillness…the ocean changes its course from moment to moment telling me to experience the same

REBIRTH !

2007-07-16T18:44:00.000+04:00

I am back! Wondering where I was? Frankly on the scariest rollercoaster ride of my life that I was not only thrown into by a surprise but has left me shaken upto my core, questioned my existence and beliefs. I was hospitalized for a month for what seemed to be an appendix min

It surely feels like a REBIRTH of sorts.

It’s strange but just a few post ago (refer post titled ‘Birth’). I had mentioned the fact that that the most traumatic of child birth is what the child goes through not the mother. But fortunately the child has no memory of it. In my case I went through this traumatic experience of rebirth with full awareness and perfect memory.

While the pain seemed unbearable at that moment now that I look back it has passed too. Yes I feel like a new Payal on an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual level. While I see some clarity at some level I still find myself fall a prey to minds conflicts and games.

I guess that is part of growing up life …I have not only experienced the power of prayers but also seen the miracles it can do for you. I have been fortunate to be showered by unconditional love that came so unexpected but left me in complete bliss in spite of the pain and misery.

I have learnt to acknowledge and appreciate every little blessing of life. It has taught me to cheer up and also be strength to others around in pain. It has shown me how little gestures of hope brighten up ailing hearts in despair. It has taught me to live from moment to moment. It’s truly brought a lot of goodness in my life.

However I yet don’t know what to expect from this rebirth …or rather I think I should not expect anything and just try going with the flow …Let’s c where it takes me this time along …

And that’s A Decade!

2007-06-01T15:19:00.000+04:00

Well just few posts back I had written about the funny importance to numbers in our life …like 1st birthday, 1st salary, 50th birthday etc . While I yet don’t understand why it makes us feel so great but these numbers do leave a mark in our lives.

Yet another such number has arrived in my life … This month I complete 10 years of working. WOW .. sounds big na ? No not at all, not as old as it makes me sound. ha ha ha ...

It’s been a long journey. It began with a young girl all of 20 yrs just out of college totally shattered in life with no faith or confidence left on her own abilities after the 2 years of struggle and failing miserably in proving to the world that she had the ability to stand on her own feet and not dependent at mercies and sympathies of the world. I thought then that I had I failed and miserably. However now that i look back and from a recent quote I heard that said “ A failure is not falling down , but failing to get up again“

YOU know what I SUCCEEDED !!!"

And on my journey came along some people who stood by me, gave me dreams and believed in my abilities, instilled faith, values, hard work and patience. These special angels in my life have come at various stages in my life to help me keep walking on the path that they showed me. While the list of thank you is a long one …but there are few special people that I would surely like to mention here.

Mr Parvez Merchant my best friends father who ‘created’ a job for me in his office because I mentioned to my best friend how I was insecure and didn’t know what an office was like and wondered if I would ever be able to get any job or do anything worthwhile and stand on my feet. Thank you uncle those priceless hours at your office doing very little though to contribute to your work and yet getting Rs. 1000 the 1st salary meant the world to me.

Yashi Aunty and Anand my angels, confidant, best friends and guide …no matter how much I say will not do justice to the love these two have showered on me. They showed me a path and taught me how to walk on it , every time I had a fall they lifted me and set me back on the path again. They gave me dreams and the conviction to make them happen for me …They gave me the faith to believe in myself ! Thank a ton for everything Aunty and Anand. Thanks to my OMM family too. Somuji, Saravanan, Rajan, Bhaskar, Praveen and Prithvi.

Most important Mummy, Dilip uncle, Sanjay Mamu, Sonal, Reshma, Niki, Meena, Seema, Ruchi, Lata aunty, Manas, Raj, who stood by me no matter what and believed in me more than I ever believed in myself.

Thank you all …I love you all and am grateful to the universe for blessing me with such wonderful people in my life !

I would like to dedicate this beautiful song by Celine Dion to all of you …

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall I had your love
I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
'You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

Passion for life !

2007-05-25T09:12:00.000+04:00

For years i admired how may of my colleagues had passions with regards to work and their creativity. I always believed passion was what you totally dedicated yourself too at times it demanded alot of sacrifices too. Be it from your family or friends or just yourself. It's something i really felt good about and just wished I had it in me some day !

Was talking my dear Sushma yesterday and the subject of passion came up ...i was amazed how she described me as a person with passion for life ...in my head as she said that i thot " Nah nah you got the wrong person .. me passion ?? "

That's when she shared her understanding of passion ..." It's giving what you do or whatever you ...your 100 %. "

Well i am not yet sure if i do it all the time and for everything but i suddenly thought to myself " Yeah, WOW i do have Passion for life and things" It's been there all along yet i just kept looking at others and wondering when i will have it. This little understanding of her's made me feel great ...finally i had what i had all along ... he he he !

Thank you, Shushma for redefine what " Passion" really means.

Karle tu bhi muhabbat !

2007-05-23T16:00:00.000+04:00

In my earlier post, I have written about Love ...my quest for it, my disappointments with it, my confusions about it, my faith in the the fact that some day it will come to me...

Though recently i have realized that how we constantly keep seeking love outside where as it resides within us.

Funnily, we don't love ourselves but expect to be loved by the world, we don't feel deserving enough and expect others to acknowledge us. Don't even dare to look into the mirror and compliment ourselves yet expect the world to shower us with compliments.

One of my dear colleague Kalyani ( Kallu is what i lovingly call her ) would do silly strange things like looking at her self in the lift mirror and tell her self how pretty she was and how beautiful she was and how nobody was as good , or how could any one be so beautiful ... we would have a big laugh at her act. Then , I found it silly but very very cute . May she always be the wonderful beautiful person she is always.

However today i feel how that silly act of her's makes her the cute, carefree, fun, loving and affectionate person she is and life seems just so beautiful, non complex.

I never could do that, Love myself that is. Struggled for years !

Though off late the good newz is I am falling in love ...in Love with myself ...and it feels amazing. Never felt better in my entire life ...Love after all is magical and healing !

Here's 2 para's from a recent film called " Life in a Metro". Find them really beautiful and give a high each time i hear them. Just describes my state of mind too ...

In dino, dil mera,

mujhse hai keh rahatu khaab saja,

tu ji le jarahai tujhe bhi izaazat,

karle tu bhi muhabbat - 2) - 2

berang si hai badi zindagi

kuchh rang to bharoon main

apani tanahaayi ke waaste abbb kuchh toh karoon) - 2

jab mile thodi fursat - 2,

mujhse karle muhabbathai tujhe bhi izaazat,

karle tu bhi muhabbat

http://www.santabanta.com/video.asp?video=164

Birth !

2007-05-21T10:01:00.000+04:00

I just read a forward mail that showed the process of the baby's growth in the womb. It was really touching, the pictures specially. The article concluded by stating that " Child birth is not only a painful experience for the mother but the most traumatic and stressful experience for the child . However yet it is truely a Miracle !"

Which made me ponder...

Birth is truly a Miracle! I am not referring to child birth alone . I am referring to birth as a concept. I am realizing that it's a process that has it's highs and lows. However the one who can endure the process in it's completeness and accept it no matter what it brings up, is surely to experience and enjoy the miracle !

I am currently experiencing similar emotions as i am in the process of re- birth. Re birth of my thoughts, my belief systems, my emotions,my experiences and the way I live each situation in my life etc. It's a process and been quite a bumpy ride ...however it makes me look forward to the miracle called BIRTH ( re- birth in my case) !

Hugs are Free ...

2007-05-14T14:45:00.000+04:00

Recently came across this beautiful video "Hugs are free" . It's my favourite subject and have written a post on same a called the Power of hugs a while back.

But I really believe in the power of hugs, how healing hugs are, Jadu ki Jhappi as Munna bhai calls it. At times i feel sad i got introduced to this healing process so late in life and missed out on affectionate hugs from a many such people in my life i will not get to see forever ... However as some one rightly said " Better late than never"

Njoy the film ... Hugs are surely healing and infectious !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpzkHhgcZG4&mode=related&search

Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum

2007-05-04T10:50:00.000+04:00

Ho Agar Koi Ghum Toh,
Bilkul Na Tum Ghabaraana
Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum.......

Bass Rahe Yakin Yeh Tumko,
Khushiyo Ko Toh Hai Aana
Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum
Taaraarumpum.......

Raat Hai Toh Sabera Bhi Hoga
Hai Safar Toh Basera Bhi Hoga
Ghum Ke Aage Muskuraake Gaaye Hum
Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum......

Zindagi Mein Koi Bhi Kami
HoPalko Pe Jo Jara Bhi Nami
HoAansu Na Bahaana Tum,
Dukh Na Uthaana TumHaar
Na Jaana Duniya SeDarana Kabhi Na Tum,
Rehana Kabhi Na Tum Gumsum
Hasake Bataana Duniya SeAayenge Phirse Din Khushiyo Ke,
Badalega Yeh Mausam
Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum.......

Koi Aandhi Jo Aaye Toh Aaye
Dil Mein Hai Jo Diya Bujh Na PaayeKaali Kaali Raate Ho,
Chaahe Jaisi Baate HoHumko
Hai Chalate RehanaJo Bhi Aaye Mushkil,
Dare Nahi Kabhi DilApana Toh Hai Yeh KehanaLamhebharko Chaayi Ghata Toh,
Dhoop Na ??

Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum.......
Ho Agar Koi Ghum Toh,
Bilkul Na Tum Ghabaraana
Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum.......

Bass Rahe Yakin Yeh Tumko,
Khushiyo Ko Toh Hai Aana
Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum.......

Raat Hai Toh Sabera Bhi Hoga
Hai Safar Toh Basera Bhi Hoga
Ghum Ke Aage Muskuraake Gaaye Hum
Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum

Just loved the lyrics and the song from the Movie Taa Raa Raa Raa Rum Taaraarumpum. As usual Javed Akhtar touches our hear ! Hear the track for your self .. very motivating !
http://braikhna.com/music/Ta%20Ra%20Ra%20Ra%20Rum%20Tararumpum.mp3

Romance for a life time…

2007-04-26T15:31:00.000+04:00

My 1st rendezvous surely seemed to have an initial attraction …however the sparks began on the 2nd meet. By 3rd meeting I found myself flirting and enjoying every moment …and 4 th meeting onwards I looked forward to meet again and again …Well I am talking about my Romance with Goa last 2.5 yrs. I have made 5 trips (3 only last year). Each trip I just keep falling in love more deeply and come back planning my next visit back.

It’s amazing that place …there is so much that it offers that you wonder each time how much more lies hidden …the white powdery sand beaches and blue water of south Goa, the spectacular sunset each one specially made for the day, the fun and adventurous water sports for the sports lovers and a lot and the pub and disc hopping in north Goa, the Carnival, the lazy sun beds at the shaks by the beach, the refreshing monsoons, the small lanes, with warm and lazy localities, the serene churches and temples, the amazing fresh sea food , beer cheaper than water, the tattoo, aimless shopping sprees , the flee markets, the sun tan and much much.

I know for sure that my love for this little city is growing by the day and it’s sure is a Romance for a life time.

Face Off !!

2007-04-18T15:02:00.000+04:00

This is a painting from my artist friend Shushma Sabnis. I always liked it. It’s a beautiful visual depiction about my post today and thus i was inspired to put it up here …

I remember in school elocution I had heard a poem which kind of stayed with me at least the spirit of it . It was called ‘Nakli Chero Ki Dukaan’!

Last few days I have been contemplating how we just never get to know people for years to come no matter how close we think we are to them.And yet we have our own views and pereceptions of them. Funnily we even beleive they are true and go on not trying to explore the 'REAL' them.

Strangely I have been meeting people who seem to perceive me differently as well and expressing it too.

There are some who think I am so serious in life that I have perhaps never laughed in life and need to lighten up. They seem to have experienced only my serious side. And there are others who don’t think I could have a serious side and they are amazed when they read my blog. I myself am amazed and amused at my own duality that unconsciously I have been portraying. And yet again each one of us have this duality, don’t we?

At times we wear many masks and make ourselves totally unapproachable. We even take pride in the same. What are we really hiding from, I wonder often? People, situations or ourselves? Or is it just a habit that we have got comfortable with? Honestly i dnt know the answers yet ...But I am just parking this thought here till i explore it further ...

Life and Loss !

2007-04-12T14:43:00.000+04:00

I have realized that over the years, with my experiences and time the concept of loosing people and things for me has been changing.

It began with the early years where I was totally carefree and people and things in my life came and went away but it didn’t bother me really. ‘Life just moved on…’

Then came a phase where I was introduced to death…I realized how that loss didn’t bring back people forever, that’s when I was introduced truly to the fear of loosing loved ones and things I cherished. However ‘Life just moved on …’

There came a phase where I realized with each loss though painful and no hope of recovery came with a lot of gain, so unanticipated that over time made my loss feel ‘little’. And ‘Life moved on …’

And now I feel so differently about loss yet again. I recently experienced the feeling of having lost something that I though was dear to me …I felt miserable about it and then with the hope the that loss had something better enstore for me tried to move on with life.

Just then in a strange fashion my object of loss appeared in front of me, miraculously. I was excited and yet numb. I didn’t anticipate it would come back. It left me wondering what would life be without it or now that I had it back, what would life be with it around me again. And I know in my heart that it will leave me again some day…

As I found these thoughts about to paralyze my mind I sensed that I found myself wanting to not bother just enjoy the moment yet I seemed detached with the fear of the future. It was as though the fear of loss didnt matter anymore . It’s a strange feeling and I am some how just ok with it being the way it is for the moment.

I know with time and my experiences ‘Loss’ may change it's meaning for me yet again. Like always 'Life will move on yet again '

It's a 100 !!

2007-04-12T12:29:00.000+04:00

It's funny how we give the number 100 importance ! I have still not figured the reason but I presume coz a 100 seems unachievable from where we begin may be.

Neveretheless going with the hype and it's surely a great feeling ...this is my 100th post !! Yipeeeeeeee !

Well I find it an achievement considering that i never thought i could write to begin with, leave alone reach a 100 posts ...and strangely not only have i written 100 posts also got generous appreciation from alot of friends and bloggers friends on my soul stirring experiences.

Like most award / achievement speeches I would like to thank my mom, god, dhoodhwala, my dog, my office receptions etc ... ha ha ha . Just kidding !

Though i surely want to thank a few special people like ...Vineet my colleague who motivated me to start a blog of my own last July (2006) though it was suppose to be a travel blog as he thought i traveled a good amount and that i should share my experiences. Need to thank Nishad a avid blogger yet another colleague of mine who helped me open the Blogspot account. Parikshit (my dear friend Pari ) who doesn't even know that the name of the blog was inspired by a trek i did thanx to him(and without him unfortunately) and during the trek he had messaged me how the the mighty Himalayas were a 'Soul stirring experience'..i experienced the same and thats when i decided to pen down (technically it would be type away... ) all my soul stirring experiences. Thanx Pari !

My darling friend Rayo who encouraged me time and again saying that " Blogs are about beauty of thoughts and emmotions attached" And finally a special thank you to all my regular visitors who read, appreciate and leave their views on my post also special thank you to my dear friends who appreciate my work yet tolerate my grammatical errors and share the views on the same so that i can improvise and write better ! :-)

While my blog has made it's journey of 100 post i too have made my own journey along with it... my thoughts have surely got more peaceful, calmer and mature. I am glad I was introduced to this fun world of blogging .. i have surely made a lot many new friends, gathered different perspective and made new beginnings in life !

Thanx again to all those who made this happen for me and stood by me ...

Imperfection Viz Perfection ?

2007-04-12T10:48:00.000+04:00

10th April 2007

The beautiful moon has a flaw in it yet poets and lovers can’t seem to stop appreciating it’s beauty and using it as an epitome of beauty.

Sitting by the ocean is such soothing feeling yet at times the ocean crosses it’s boundaries and shows it’s ugly face taking away lives of many innocent victims

Just a little rain and sunshine makes a beautiful rainbow and yet again just too much rain or too much sunshine feels like such a pain.

The Taj Mahal, the 7th wonder of the world and India pride gets glory for the display of love and perfect craftsmanship yet seems to be built on the sacrifice innumerable peasants who lost their hands by the ruthless ruler.

When there is so much imperfection in everything yet to each own eye it all looks so perfect.

Then why do people seek perfection and justify how imperfection needs to strive and get perfect.

Why is it difficult for perfection to accept the imperfection of it’s so called imperfection and try too seek beauty in it’s ways too

And why is that imperfection though frets on the perfection’s need to perfect the imperfect yet feels bothered and low on it’s non acceptance just the way it is.

And what is really imperfect or perfect ? To the so called imperfect it is perfect in itself !

On this note here is what my my blogger friend 'Gaizabonts’ http://gaizabonts.wordpress.com/?s=Imperfection decribes his view on the subject which i totally love ..."When perfection and imperfection come face to face, it seems that the frustration emanates from the perfect side. If perfection is so susceptible to being disillusioned, it’s not perfect, is it? "

Coming Home !

2007-04-12T10:38:00.000+04:00

8th April 2007

Last 2.5yrs I have moved 3 houses (2 in last 3 months it’s self ) as my building was under redevelopment.

Last 3 months specially have been a nightmare packing, unpacking, shifting, carrying heavy load, getting the new house ready, chasing people, begging literally to get work done, and swallowing the ego and being patient with people who have taken complete advantage of our situation, running around and fighting against time, angry, sad , upset, being each others strongest support (my family that is).

Most often being like a ball of energy that keeps on rolling and never seems to stop, emotionally breaking down many a times wondering ‘why us ?’, at times finding myself fighting with the supreme being funnily questioning ‘Why was I created in the woman form when I am constantly expected to display the physical strength of a man’, practically cut off from the world, wondering when it will all end and life get back to normalcy. However in midst of all this 6th April 2007 we finally moved back to our own home, though it a complete state of mess as yet, with only 1 room ready where we are surviving.

The feeling of being back to our own home is so very beautiful, fulfilling and comforting.

The best part of the stay last 2 days has been the most heart warming welcome we got from Mother Nature.

Considering we don’t even have curtains up yet I woke up with a very feeling of a warm touch of sorts gently waking me up…it was the touch of the most spectacular warm, refreshing sunrise I have ever seen. I normally got to see such beautiful sight only when I went on a vacation.

Can u imagine an enchanting sight such as this every morning by my window pane. So energetic. makes me feel as if ‘Suraj Devta’ or ‘Surjo (The Sun - as a dear friend likes calling it and himself too :) ) himself wakes me up with his loving warm touch filling my day to come full of hope, love and a promise of a great day ahead. I don’t know if my post does justice to the experience I feel each morning.

While things yet are quite tough and shall take a few days to settle down however this feeling of ‘Coming Home’ is giving me fresh new hope of beautiful new beginnings…Thank you universe for bringing us to this new beginning.

I trust this beautiful new home will open new doors, bring only loving and divinely beautiful people to our lives, manifest all our long awaited dreams and fill our lives with love, light, warmth,togetherness and happiness. Thank you once again UNIVERSE for our beautiful home !

Down Memory Lane !

2007-04-03T21:12:00.000+04:00

Had left you far behind ...
Had broken open my heart, released you forever

Wonder then, how you still roll down my face as innocent, forgiving tears

At times as an unanswered question you rise in my lonely moments ...
Only to make me wonder what really got us together and enventually got us apart

All there is left to the ' US' that once there was ...
A myterious silence and the distance never to be bridged again

You moved ahead long ago, on the journey you called your own
I too have walked a few miles since, learning to walk by myself again...

When I do look down memory lane...
All I cherish is 'You' as a beautiful dream...

A dream that did see a glimpse of reality though as short as the night could last ...

Knots And Crosses, Stars and Stripes ! A Solo Exhibition

2007-04-02T12:40:00.000+04:00

Bloodlines

I stand with open arms,

for the universe to fill me in

I am the heart of love,

I am the womb of creation,

I am the celebration of life ..

I am the Universes bloodlines.

I am proof of God's love.

Birth of Venus

And Beauty she rose, from the depts of the human soul,

An inspiration to love, to live , to create for the mankind.

And innocence she was in her radiating being

Pure and warm and Peaceful

Untouched by evil, protected by the Divine.

Her eyes speak of wisdom,

Her existence is Hope

Her heart knows only love ..

And beauty, she rose from the depths of the human soul...

Above are just two of the many soul stirring paintings from my artist friend Shushma Sabnis who is having her 5th Solo in Mumbai. I just visited her yesterday. While i have seen her work before and know how deep her thoughts are the paintings and the poetry along with it has left me speachless at the depth of her knowledge and how she relates her self and her artand life to spirituality.

Her paintings and poetry inspired me to explore the depts and the silence of my soul and understand and live beyond this superficial world we make so much noice about. Each painting is a brilliant expression in it's own way. I donot understand art too much but her work stirred my soul for sure. Thus i wished to share it with all ...

Sushma and me..

I wish her all the the luck and feel blessed having her as a friend.

If your in Mumbai plz do visit her Solo Exhibition at Kohinoor Continental, Andheri ( E) , Near Jb nagar signal between the 1st to 15 th April 2006.( 11 am to 7pm).

And do chat up with her to know more abt her work, you will be stunned my her simplicity that mask the deep ocean of knowledge and positivity.

To know more abt her work visit http://www.flickr.com/photos/artalways

Loss Of A Dear One ...

2007-03-30T14:58:00.000+04:00

This morning, I lost a dear one in road accident. My dear one just left my hand and by the time I could look for it there were no traces to be found. Well I am referring to my dearest 2 year old Nokia 6600 mobile phone.

It’s strange and tragic .. and as funny as it may sound got me mourning all the way there after. My dear phone was safely in my jeans pocket (So I thought it was safe ! :( ) I just shifted my seat in the rickshaw and it slipped out of my pocket .. I didn’t quite realize it until a angel brought it to my notice..it was another rickshaw driver who saw it fall a few meters away …in complete restlessness I just got off my rickshaw and walked 1 km distance to look for my dear phone. I hadn’t given up hope and had no fear of loosing it completely was on mind then . I knew it would be around waiting to be picked by me. I looked all over …inquired with a lot of people on the road. All I got was negative answers, I even called on the number and it was switched off…after 30 – 45 min I accepted it was gone. Disappointed, completely numb, with a heavy heart and moist eyes I continued on my journey to office. It was gone !! Sob sob !

Well I knew as usual life would go on. Through out the journey I kept thinking of all the memories attached to my dear one, all the people I had reached out to, all the contacts I had stored but would have to re reach out to them again, lost all the beautiful messages I had saved over the years from people , also the beautiful memories I had captured in form of pictures, videos and sound records. They were all gone forever.

I had been facing issues with the phone for some time but my attachment to it had not let me let go of it. I miss my fantastic Nokia 6600 that had faced the test of time and supported me through my highs and lows. Strangely just last week my car wash guy had tried to flick it away and I had experienced a near loss indication. I had thanked my stars than as I could revive it . May be it was a indication of what was had to come …

Funny as it may sound this post of mine …but I just felt all the same emotions that I do for a loss of a loved one , i was reminded of times i had loss my father, or friends or love... though the intensity was much lower. I know u will say " Come on it's just a phone"

Life will go on and a new phone will replace this phone of mine but I will surely feel a bit a pinch of loosing this dear one.

My friend Sushma gave me a different perspective to look up to. She aked me " are you going to mourn the loss or celebrate the birth of the new. Think that this new phone will fetch u voices which u have been longing to hear … bring the voices of the friends who bring you happiness. And bring voices of fortune and peace and good luck "

Thanx Shushma for a new perspective …I know now that I shouldn’t moan the loss …may be that’s where the journey had to end and I should look forward and welcome the new.

I think I am going to try and apply new perspective to my life from here on ..

Here I am bidding a Good Bye to my dearest Nokia 6600 and begin to reaching out and make new beginings …

Looking for answers ...

2007-03-29T12:47:00.000+04:00

So many people walk in and out of our lives. However there are some that go away leaving their mark behind. They don’t physically exist in our lives or come back ever but continue be so very alive in our memories. I wondered always why they stayed there forever. At times, bringing a smile on our face or tear to the eye or just making us miss them so much.

Then again, I realize that it’s not them who choose to stay back …they surely moved away long ago. It’s a choice we make to keep them alive in our hearts and memories.

Why do we keep them alive? It is coz they remind us of the most beautiful happy moments, or is it that give us hope that we did find love at some point or is it coz it’s just our weakness to not let go of them coz we believe we will never come across people like them in our life again.

Funnily the irony is that till we don’t let them go we do not allow the new to come into our lives. Even worse is when u know this fact and yet find it difficult to let go or keep retrieving back the moments…I am still to find answers to WHY we behave the way we behave . I hope the answers come to me soon …

The Namesake - Thoughts it left me with ...

2007-03-26T11:49:00.000+04:00

The Greatest Journey’s are the ones that bring you home …I just love the sound of this base life for the film “ The Namesake” by Meera Nair. While the film was interestingly made I only gripped me in the second half.

I have often heard about coming back home …but it’s only recently that I am beginning to understand what it means. Well it’s still a very basic understanding I suppose. I have begun to realize that each journey that I walked upon in my life had opened doors to a lot of learning’s and realizations that has made me gather courage to embark on the next journey …it’s process and not all journeys have been comfortable. Most have been tough and seemed like a struggle. But while I detested them then and for a while latter I now understand where they were leading me and how they were just the most appropriate to prepare me for the next. At times I felt that I had learnt but the next journey made me make the same mistakes or have breakdowns which scared the hell out of me.

But recently my teacher Prasad said something that got me going. I don’t remember the exact words (they were short and sweet) but this is what I understood of it.

It’s journey and you have crossed that last station and are done and have dealt with it.and left it far behind …what has arrived now is yet another station which may seem similar to the last but it’s something new that will take u ahead in the journey ...

That’s about the journey but the coming home part to me means …coming to terms with ones self. Loving, accepting oneself.

There yet another part of the movie that has touched my heart and could just relate to it …It’s the scene when Ashok takes his 4 year old Googol on the rocks by the ocean. They reach a point where all u can see is the vast ocean and nothing beyond.
Just then Ashok realized that he has forgotten to get the camera and won’t be able to capture the beautiful sight. He tells his son that now that they don’t have the camera he will have to remember this sight as a point that his father took him to a place where there was nothing beyond . The Son innocently ask “ For how long will I have to remember it “ …The father replies “ Forever” …

It did bring a tear to my eyes as it reminded me of those so many moments spent with my father which were beautiful, very special, to be cherished for a lifetime yet not captured by any camera. However they are fresh in my memories till date.

The film “ The Namesake “ did remind me of my beautiful moments with my father and I am glad they were so fulfilling ( though never seem enough )and gladly I have no regrets anything that I did or said while living them.

Heartfelt !

2007-03-21T14:05:00.000+04:00

It's strange how an Orkut.com or my blog could tell me things about me that my dear ones felt or perceived about me.

It's often that we resist telling people we have know for years or a short while how we really felt about them, What we appreciate or don't with the fear of being misunderstood or loosing them. It so important to say these little things ...the mean so much and open a new perspective to the relationship.

I was surprised when I saw that i had 15 fans ( WOW !!) and most importantly almost in tears to receive beautifully written testimonials from 4 of my dear friends.

They seem straight from the heart and made me feel blessed to have people like them in my life who understood me, valued me , loved and accepted me for who i was. I know these are few friends in my life who are my pillar of strenght and shall last forever. That doesn't mean the ones i have not received testimonials from i don't feel touched by. Infact many of them by their deeds , little gestures or just by being there have touched my life and made me feel blessed.

Here are the 4 testimonials that bring a big smile and a tear to my eye at the same time. Besides these here are some friends in my life that I would specially like to thank for being there in my worst phases and best times...

Yashi aunty, Niki, Reshma,Meena, Niki, Ammi, Jay, Bharat, Bhaskar R, Joy, Anand, Abhijeet, Manas, Leroy, Mayank, Dr Anjali, Priyanka, Sushma, Ruchi, Pankaj G, Hema, Olga,Zeeba, Gaurav, KK, Carnic, Shoma...and many more...

Testimonials ...

Rayomand J.: Creatives are best known for their love of one-line briefs. (And well, maybe the odd one-liner like Voodoo.) Well, if i had to encapsulate Payal in one word, it would have to be: intense. Perhaps it is her Scorpio sun sign, that brings this haunting intensity to the fore, in anything Payal puts her hand to. In an age full of cardboard people that J.D. Salinger captured so well, Payal's reality stands out. When she says she will do something, she does it. That's old-fashioned reliability, and there's nothing quite as sexy. Be it at work, or at play with her pottery/meditation, i think she's always in the moment, not languishing in the past, or paralysed with thoughts of the future. This intensity applies also to her relentless determination to find truth, so whether it's her relationships, her blog, or meditation, i am sure that she will find it after subjecting every life experience to that penetrating scrutiny so intrinsic to Scorpios. God bless you, and may you find love. Your Mad Bawa friend.

Suranjana :Payal is a total sweetheart! She's idealistic & really knows how to live life 360 degrees. Acutely sarcy at times, but that's probably what you'll end up liking about her - her capacity to be honest, frank, witty & never hold back. Creative, pretty, eloquent, totally kickass! If anyone's looking for a great friend to last you this lifetime, I assure you Payal is your best bet! Payal is a total sweetheart! She's idealistic & really knows how to live life 360 degrees. Acutely sarcy at times, but that's probably what you'll end up liking about her - her capacity to be honest, frank, witty & never hold back. Creative, pretty, eloquent, totally kickass! If anyone's looking for a great friend to last you this lifetime, I assure you Payal is your best bet!

Pariksheet: Lots of things can be said abt this girl (yeah yeah she is a girl to me). Epitome of inner strength.. the "never give up" attitiude and a sheer will to succeed against all odds.. that is the tip of iceburg of qualities of Payal. My pillar of support in weak times... my true advisor and my shining star. Plus... only a couple of people to whom i say "Hats off".. and one of those is Payal. Yeah she has her minuses.. but she accepts them and improves upon them constantly. Cheers Lady... may u get all the happiness you deserve and much much more!!!

Akshay: Payal - A testimonial

he mood and melody of the sound of anklets
The whisper of a gentle breeze
The shadow of a belligerent storm
The supreme essence of a woman
This one possesses a superlative degree

She seems stoic in the face of strife
And battles in the belief of her crusade
Her happiness is to shareOf unfettered cares
Her sadness is her crucifixAmidst the fire of Hades

Her laughter escapes an element of cheer
Of teenage giggles and conspicuous crushes
Of memories that describe her darkest moments
As bright as the summer sun.
And the afterglow is the worlds to possess

A filler of stories, suprises and songs in excess.
And a test she shall set in time and space
To measure your mark, your mean, your gait
But she is quick to forgive and all that seems
For her world is seldom vicious and mean
And she shall remain your fondest fan
If you share your soul and bare your heart

In her wonderous world of trust and truth
Victory shall be hers and her winnings large

Making a dream come to reality ...

2007-03-20T15:01:00.000+04:00

As I was driving back home last nite, I pondered over last 3 months gone by that have been so chaotic, stressful and just not seeming to end.

I was very low and even wondered what is that really drives people to live a happy life!

Just then what I saw was mind boggling …Here was a man riding a cycle rickshaw, Something I am aware of as a mode of transport in Delhi and northern cities. However unusual in the city of dreams MUMBAI..

Well what caught my attention wasn’t the fact that it was unusual to see one but the way the owner had made it. It had disco lights all around it, painted in bright colours, flashy CD reflecting the colourful lights, with collage of images all over and the most amazing part was the LCD screen which had Bollywood film songs playing …off course for the entertainment of the passengers. The owner proudly rode the cycle rickshaw and I even saw him talk on the mobile as he rode (I guess 'No' talking on the mobile while driving was not applicable to him.. after all it wasn’t technically an automobile. )

I was so intrigued. I kept following him in the car. Finally I stopped the car and waited for him to pass so that I could stop him and get a good view of this unusual piece. I was so excited ..i mean not seen anything like it. I stopped the man who introduced himself as Mohmad Sheru. I asked him if it was his own rickshaw that he had just created for fun or he rented it out.

I was told it was his source of income. It was a piece he had created after 4 years of effort. He was from Meerut and proudly mentioned how he was covered in papers. And how a lot of film stars had taken a ride in the same. Special mention of his favorite star Dharmendra. He mentioned that the tyres of the cycle were specially designed so that the piece could even float in water. He did shows in water too. The rods of the cycle wheel were specially made of brass. He used the piece for giving rides to children,at children parties , film etc. Well, he had a longer story to tell. But a lot of crowd had begun to gather so I requested him for a picture and said good bye. ( Ps : I caputred a film of the same will try upload so that u can know what i am raving about, Though the pivture above will give a fair idea)

I was surely in awe of what he had built. I thought to myself ..it surely has to be a passion to stand out that must have driven him to build an unusual piece like that. May be he was a hero in his city, and may be he spent nights making his dream come to reality, may be his folks must of thought he was crazy or a looser to try something bizarre such as it , He still didn’t seem to be earning lots of money yet with great pride and satisfaction drove his unique piece.

Hatts off Mohmad Sheru for protecting and living your dream…

The Pursuit of Happiness !

2007-03-14T10:22:00.000+04:00

Yes yet another film I caught up on Sunday. I love watching good finds they are very inspiring and I think last 3 months of chaos in life been my only mode of entertainment. Thankfully I am surrounded by multiplexes thus makes it most convenient. Its almost like walking from one room to the other. Just with a Larger TV screen…he he he …

Getting back to film, I loved the way Will Smith and his son has acted. While the story was simple but I could relate to a lot of situations. I felt feeling that I have been through a lot of similar phases though his situations were worse. That’s what made me feel more blessed and crib and sulk a little less that I was.

There are certain things I surely like to mention that touched my heart. …

To begin with “That part of my life that I call running ….” I just felt that may be the run was trying to say much more than what it was or atleast I read a bit more from it. I felt like Cris we all are constantly running aimlessly … or chasing something or the other in life. The chaze just keeps on and soon it seems to become a habit. Most often the chaze doesn’t really get us anything or rather gets only disappointment. But we keep on with the chaze. I feel we begin to enjoy it.

Then I loved what he says “ Who ever said it was a Pursuit of happiness really knew what it was …Pursuit it is …” That’s all we do . Keep pursuing without realizing that just being in the moment we can have it. Then there are the unfortunate ones like me who even understand the funda of “enjoying and living the moment to gain happiness“ but yet struggle and keep on pursuing it.

I liked when he said “ If you have a dream …you need to protect it. People will tell you you cannot have it coz they cant have it. “ Very true again . I think it is so easy to give in to people’s opinion about your ideologies and dreams and get them trampled upon. I have experienced that time and again. It surely takes courage to continue to believe in your dream no matter how impossible it seems.

I also loved the scene when Cris’s Son ask him innocently if his mom left because of him( the son that is ) and Cris replies “ Your mom left because of mom, you had nothing to do with it “. I so could relate to it." Often we land up beating our self and blaming our self for the people who walk away from our lives. And never give ourselves the chance to believe that perhaps it was their weak moment, or cowardness or their lack of understanding that took them away. Not saying that one cannot go wrong but being hash on one self without giving a chance to believe that it could have been them as well that made them go away …

Achee Breaky Heart ...

2007-03-09T12:46:00.001+04:00

This is a beautiful clip from the film "The Holiday" where Iris (Kate Winslet ) describes her feeling and thoughts associated to a heart break. I think it's beautiful and true what she describes and almost feels like way i too have felt at some point in my life.

Often we look for other people in our life to make us feel worthwhile and loved. Truth surely seems that we need to feel worthwhile ourselves at 1st.

Love ourselves !

It's strange how difficult we find doing that is and yet wonder why we are not loved by the other. We belittle and blame ourselves for not being loved or for people who walk out of our lives. Only if we loved ourselves enuff we would of have been able to see beyond our blinkers of how unfortunate or coward were they to step away and how it was their loss for not being part of our lives.

I know the day i can solve this irony of life, it will open alot of doors for me. Life has been kind though even now and opened this little window of realization atleast. Let's see which door over looks from this little window and i hope that some day soon i reach the door and it miraculously opens up to me a whole new world that i never had imagined ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCH_HWylNyI&mode=related&search==

Made in Heaven

2007-03-07T23:27:00.000+04:00

Cliché as it may sound, blame it on the over dose of mush last 3 days. I have been watching a lot of Romantic films last 3 days, “Shall we dance”, “Music and Lyrics” & “The Holiday” (sheer coincidence all 3 in a row). But as my dear friend Shushma rightly said that watching beautiful love stories is very inspiring and instills a lot of hope in life. Tell me about it ! 3 down already, on a complete high and yet the mush doesn’t seem enuff. Crazy as I may sound I truely feel good for a change .the best part is it’s not for any real apparent reason.

I seem to sense a lot of love around me in different ways.One such incident this evening has touched my soul completely.

I was at Shiv Sagar restaurant waiting for my friend and the food ordered to arrive. Just when I chanced upon a young girl in her early twenties come and sit down alone few tables away. I don’t really see a lot of girls like me eat alone at restaurants and thought may be she was one like me. Soon she was joined by a decent looking well dressed guy her age. They both looked like a couple as she cuddled around his hand. They looked like a sweet pair. I wondered why I was pulled to look towards them. Soon I realized that one of then was deaf and dumb (sorry physically challenged is the right word I think ).

They began to talk in sign language, I thought may be it was the girl. Soon I realized that both were in the same state. For the next 10 mins I saw them make the most loving conversation in sign language, a conversation more than what I see couples make with spoken words these days. I couldn’t stop starting at them. Not that I understand sign language however I could make out that discussed what they needed to order from the menu. They even seem to suggest to each other what seemed good. They did seem to tease each other and share a good joke. The guy exhibiting great confidence, called out the waiter with his sign language and some broken sound that seemed like some words and ordered their meal. Their conversation continued there after. They looked happy in their own state and so very much in love. The girl would cuddle up to him in the conversation.

I found myself speechless too. I was amazed at what a beautiful pair that god had created. It looked too good to be true. I seem to see beauty in their fate written at birth which I am quite sure they themselves or their parents would have never imagined.

It made me think what great visionary that someone up their was. Just knows what we really need. Tries our patience time and again to see if we can still sustain out faith in the process. Faith is yet another message that has been coming to me since morning today.

Suddenly I am reminded of a dialogue from yet another favorite film of mine (Dil to paagal hai ) “ Bhaagwan ne hume jodiyo mein banaya hai …bus milna hum pe chood diya hai …”

Way back into Love !

2007-03-05T12:06:00.000+04:00

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again I guess
I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ce_DxJFdgM4&mode=related&search=

Yet another beautiful song from the movie " Music and Lyrics" that just melts my heart ...instills hope that some day( soon!) I too will find true love that shall last for ever ...

Dialogue with Solitude !

2007-03-02T11:10:00.000+04:00

I have been meaning to express my state of mind last whole month but just didn’t have the right words. Until I came across Atul’s Sabnis’s blog (http://gaizabonts.wordpress.com/) post beautifully titled “Dialogue with Solitude” which just triggered my thoughts…

Dialogue with Solitude .. very true and a beautiful concept. Just so apt for my current state of mind …I have been in midst of a lot of physical action and running from pillar to post yet so switched off from the world …

I am in a Dialogue with Solitude and it’s a constant chatter .A chatter that makes me feel uncomfortable, totally numb at times ,restless, angry, realize alot, bring forth my fears, make me want to withdraw,release my tears for no reason, make me confront and deal with my fears ,feel blessed for no reason, break into a smile at times, instill faith and hope in spite of everything seeming to be in a mess, appreciate and accept the beauty of each situation and a lot more …

I strangely find myself in dialogue with my solitude all the time yet find myself very minutely observing the chatter. I don't know how long it will last or what it will unfold but it’s a necessary evil I know and I am just experiencing it in totality till it last !

IF !!

2007-02-22T11:35:00.000+04:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Love !

2007-02-14T13:10:00.000+04:00

Just a simple word yet quite a complex concept. Today being Valentines day I couldn’t stop to think on the subject and pen down what I have learnt or understood of the same in the last 30 years of my life after experiencing various situations and some heartbreaks. Today these experiences surely seem to have taught me a lot.

At 1st when someone mentioned the word LOVE I could think only of romantic relationships. My 1st experience of Love was one sided ( my side that is !!). It was a strange feeling of being with someone who was my best friend, mentor, guide etc …Honestly I never felt the need to give the feeling or the relationship a name for a long time but I was young and vunerable and gave into societies need to define the relationship. In the pressure I gave in somewhere with time lost the relationship. Strangely the Love remained as beautiful memories.

I didn’t understand then what I have recently did from a friend who said “When we say we r in love.. the happiness is about loving someone, not about being loved by someone. Being loved by someone is a bonus that has no bearing on whom and how u love. Most people are miserable in love coz they expect reciprocation . Your trust n faith in ur own love for someone is what ensures they come to u, not ur expectation of their love..”

Its so simple yet beautiful thought isn’t it. It has got me thinking and some how strengthened my faith in the power of my own love.

The other thing I have learnt about love is what yet another friend shared with me from a thought her dying mother left her with. She said “ Don’t chase Love …it will come to you like it came to me” . It’s true the more you chase it the more it seems to run away from you and some day when you least expect it just fills itself in your heart.

Love is always there …we just don’t realize it’s existence and try to look for it in the manner we would like to see it. That’s where we get disillusioned. Like may be for me just being there as a patient listener for a friend in time of need could be my way of expressing my love but may be to her / him it would be the need to constantly call. I think we need to accept and understand each others needs and express our love accordingly so that it gets conveyed.

Love need not have a name or relationship attached to it. But it’s still as meaningful. Love is beyond a physical form. Every person who is the object of your affection always seems perfect no matter what.

Yet another thing i have realized is the importance of 'Loving yourself '. Coz only when you can love yourself will the world feel like loving you. Besides that Loving onself makes life seem beautiful and worth living. It opens many doors that we seem to close for ourself.Can u imagine the lovely feeling of being loved ...specially it's easy when it urself. It's strange but we crave for love in the outside world when we find it most difficult to love ourselves ...How can we expect to be loved when i don't seem to love myself. It's a realization that hit me a year back ...I am glad it did .. it has opened many more doors for myself.

There so much more I am yet to explore and getting an understanding of .With time there is more and more I seem to experience that brings new meanings to the the simple word called LOVE !

You say it best, when you say nothing at all !

2007-02-09T10:31:00.000+04:00

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I can never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all ...

While all these years the words of this beautiful song from one of my favorite film “Notting Hill” were something I just seem to sing coz they just seemed too beautiful, off late I seem to understand what they mean or rather experiencing the beauty and simplicity of saying so much without actual spoken words

As a baby when we couldn’t talk or understand spoken words just that gentle touch, a loving pat, a playful touch on the nose, a affectionate brushing of hand on the forehead and head or a tender hug conveyed love, protection, warmth, support and so much more. It’s strange how over the years as we seemed to grow up we tend to ignore this beauty and get caught up in spoken words and expect so much from people. We start to believe that we are not loved or conveyed love coz there weren’t spoken words involved. I am not saying that spoken words aren’t important but at times just a simple touch can convey a lot more that spoken words only if we are open to receiving and aware of this beautiful nonverbal communication.

Love for instance can be displayed or communicated by sheer touch or a glance. However we seem to want and understand display of Love on by sheer words and deeds.

I have been aware and experiencing many such touches that have said more than what the person could communicate to me or at times just meant a lot more than the people could even realize they had conveyed to me.

One such touch happed last evening …after the most bizaare week of year 2007 ( Last week that is ) I had gone for my meditation. While the session was very calming and made me peaceful. Just after a while I shifted my seat and my eyes glanced Anil my Soulmate from Dubai whom I knew I would be meeting after 4 months.I came and sat ahead of him and out of fondness just extended my hand towards him for a handshake. As I just gave him that “ I am happy to see him” touch and look. He just reciprocated with holding my hand tightly,as though he was conveying that he too was very happy to see me. For some reason, neither did he leave my hand and neither did I feel like and soon all of a sudden I was so overwhelmed. Tears kept flowing from my eyes and I just couldn’t stop them for a long long time. That loving and gripping touch seem to convey so much to me …I just felt like he was saying “ Don’t worry I am there for you no matter when you need me.”. I felt immense love, security and a sense of a protectiveness showered by my loving baby brother. That simple comforting touch touched my heart and I just couldn’t stop myself from feeling comfortable of letting my tears get released. It was a beautiful moment and means so much to me. Thanks Anil for being there for me.

Similarly, when a loved one just takes your hand in his / her hand and holds on to it knowing that you are low conveys “ it’s all fine”, or a warm hug that conveys “ You are safe and loved no matter what”, gentle strokes on your head by a elderly person or a loved one conveys “affection and blessing”. There is so much more that one brush of a touch, the look of the eyes and just a simple smile can convey.

I am glad that after so many years like a little baby I have begun to experience, understand and communicate with people, saying a lot by not saying a word. Do they all understand … yes I am sure they do at some level, may be at that moment or latter. Whether they choose to reciprocate or not is a chose they make based on their willingness and awareness. However nothing stops me from conveying and willingly receive all the love and affection that has being showered on me along, which I seemed to have realized only recently.

That’s why the words of the song just seem so appropriate to me …especially “You say it best, when you say nothing at all”

Never-say-die !

2007-02-03T13:28:00.000+04:00

Last 7 days have been a nightmare …if given a choice it would be those 7 days of the year that I would surely like to erase. My family and me have been on this rollercoaster which seemed to have more downs than ups. It’s not that it’s the 1st time I have faced a rollercoaster like this …there have way to many in the last 12 years.Each ride, while has made me stronger in the long run but at that moment tested my patience and drained me on an emotional, physical and mental level. I am at the moment very angry and very upset with the ride I get forced upon time and again. I have been on this ride before but I just don’t seem to enjoy it …somehow don’t seem to have much choice either.

However this times of trial (like always) did bring up some amazing things that I either did not know or had forgotten. One such being this beautiful reply from a dear friend Mr. P to a silly forward that I sent asking “ What would be that one thing that if he had a choice he could steal from me”. Honestly I didn’t know that like me there would be other crazy people too who would reply to that forward... he he he (Yes I did replied to the friend who had sent the forward). But Mr. P's reply came very untimely ( that’s what I thought at that moment), as in a strange hour way after I had sent the message …on second thoughts latter i realized that it was most timely.

He replied “It would be your lively never-say-die attitude”

Strangely, it was my own strength that I myself seem to have forgotten or underestimated last few days due to the pressure and struggle. I don’t think my dearest friend must have realized how that simple reply of his would empower me and act like a moral boost for the next day which was the toughest day of the nightmarish week. Each time I would feel like quitting physically, mentally or emotionally (which was many times). I would either read that message or remind myself and kept going on doing what that day expected me to do and eventually the day passed.

Yes, over the years I have noticed that no matter how shattered I get in life and breakdown something within me Never Lets Me Give Up ! I may take time to get back on my feet, may take time to heal but I surely get back and more positive and stronger.

While at the moment I am still trying to heal, yet very angry about the situation, hurt and getting back on my feet I surely want to acknowledge and thank my dearest friend Mr. P for that empowering and loving message. It got me going truly !

Like him there was tremendous emotional support extended to me from a lot of special people I would like to thank. To begin with my Reiki family ( They were amazing!LOVE U ALL ), my dearest friend Mayank who has not only been my sounding board, but also someone who has so lovingly been validating and reassuring my each thought ( at times even the ones that are so eccentric ) and standing strong by my side. Puneet my new friend from Reiki family who has been so so sweet and caring about my health and even sends me the most timely reminder messages at 12:30 am saying “ Hope u have gargled !” ha ha ha … Love U Puneet ! And my juniors Shilpa, Akshay and Siraj who have ensured that I can keep off work without worrying about that part of my life atleast.

While i still pray from the bottom of my heart that may universe stop putting me through these trials. I still want to thank the universe for all the support it has extended towards me in the most miraculous ways and blessing me with his wonderful " Never-Say-Die attitude " of mine !

Saalam-e-Ishq

2007-01-28T21:45:00.000+04:00

In this day and age of relationships, with ‘No Strings’ attached, Marriages breaking by the minute, Extra marital affairs, Couples going weak and backing out when faced with situations that test the true strength of their relationships...I think concept of a film like Salaam-e-Ishq was such a refreshing and re assuring experience for a die hard romantic like me !

Though I liked the film in parts but it did give my dying belief, a renewed hope that ‘True Love’ still does exist. My favorite love story though that played by John and Vidya Balan ( Tehzeeb). I loved the way it portrayed that True Love is the one that stands the Test of Times.

Be it happy times, sadness,fun, tragedy, tough times. It’s so easy to be in love in happy times but the relationships that not only survive but also stand strong against the stormy winds are the one’s that last a life time. I totally got teary eyed on the scene where Vidya Balan expresses her helplessness for not being able to remember any moments from the life spent together with her husband and how she hated and feared the thought that she may not ever get her memory back…My heart melted when John replies “ Hum phir se naayi yaadein banayenge…” .

I mean do such men still exist? Do such relationships still exist? Do couples still trust and stand by each other no matter what? Do couples still believe strongly that their love for each other can overcome any hurdle that comes their way? Do couples believe in the power of their love for each other? Do couples smile and sacrifice their dreams to fulfill the dream of their partners? Do couples still follow their hearts? Do people still believe and hold on to their dreams of finding true love? Are such Love stories still real?

While I don’t have answers to a lot of such questions arising in my head but this film has re kindled hope for me on finding ‘True Love’ someday soon that will not only be beautiful but last a lifetime and stand strong against Test of Times …

Saalam- e- Ishq !!!

YOUniverse !!

2007-01-22T10:44:00.000+04:00

Read this article in The TOI's Life Section called " You have the Power". While the article was about consumers and customization to the core in today's life. There were these two lines that I really loved ...it kind of did ring a bell for me. It said ...

This is the year where YOU rule ...
Welcome to the YOUniverse here everything is about you

I just loved the concept of 'YOUniverse'

To me it implied being in harmony with the universe to experience the magic .

Last few years, I have been aware of the concept of "Universe provides for what ever you ask for, be it something positive or negative, however being cued to the Universe and sending the right intentions without any resistance can miraculously manifest any thing just anything you desire ..."

It's only last few months that I have started believing in the concept. And I see miracles happen in my day to day life ...only in situations where I have complete surrender and no resistance.

'YOUniverse' I am sure will act as a constant reminder ...

Surrender, Trust and Unconditional Acceptance ...

2007-01-20T10:47:00.000+04:00

On the 13th Jan 2007, that is last weekend I began with Leadership Training Program (LTP) with my teacher,Prasad. I think it is the best stand I have taken for ‘MYSELF’ ever.

As part of the 10th month program I had to make a choice of a 2nd sharing partner for the program period. Out of the 37 participants there were 4-5 people I knew quite well and have worked with them and rest 5-7 people I have known from the Reiki intensive in Goa …now it was a choice I needed to make that would surely bind me for the next 10months to begin with..I has lots of thoughts in my mind immediately …Who should it be?

From the above mentioned people there were some I thought I should chose from using some vague logic that is and 1-2 who expectantly looked at me as if they were keen to have me as their sharing partner. I found myself so confused … just then a thought came to me …”What is that U really want ?”,

Not that it helped much. However I spontaneously decided to close my eyes and ask the universe …And I just did that …closed my eyes and asked “Who is the one that I should choose from all these people I know ?’.

What I heard there after was very surprising. I heard a name of a person from the group whom I had just met a day before and didn’t share more than a few words…Inspite of being a stranger at that moment it just felt RIGHT! I decided to go with the flow and see what lies ahead for us …I gathered the courage to ask him if he would accept me as his sharing partner and the I got the most prompt, non hesitant ‘YES’. It was just an awesome feeling to receive that Unconditional Acceptance.

While I am thankful to my partner for that ‘Unconditional acceptance’ I felt in total ‘SURRENDER’ and ‘TRUST’. Only time will tell why I chose him as my partner but for some reason I don’t find myself fighting any fears in Surrender and trust.

I have been thinking about it ever since and every time a situation or a thought or fear has arisen in my mind there after about making the right decision or finding the right partner for myself this incident is ringing in my head …and the strong words ‘Surrender’, ‘Trust’ and ‘Unconditional Acceptance’ is acting as my guard against all fears..

Lets see where this takes me and what doors it shall OPEN for me that perhaphs I have blocked for myself in the last many years.

A Pinch Of Salt ...

2007-01-17T13:14:00.000+04:00

The master instructed the unhappy young man to put a
handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink
it.

"How does it taste?" the master asked.
"Bitter," spit the apprentice.
The master chuckled and then asked the young man to
take the same handful of salt and put it in the lake.
The two walked in silence to the nearby lake, and once
the apprentice swirled his handful of salt in the
water, the old man said, "Now drink from
the lake."
As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the
master asked,"How does it taste?"
"Fresh," remarked the apprentice.
"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master.

"No," said the young man.

At this, the master sat beside this serious young man
who so reminded him of himself and took his hands, offering,
"The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less.
The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same.
But the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the
container we put the pain in. *So when you are in
pain, the only thing one could do is to enlarge the
sense of things ..... Stop being a glass. Become a
lake."

<em>It's amazing how I land up opening a mail from a friend after long just when I needed it ...actually I should stop being surprised as I have realized in the last few months that "Ask and It is given ..." Whatever it may be a desire, a help or anything ...Universe is totally cued on to you .. you just need to cue your self to the universe to experience the magic ...Coming back to this post .. just last nite i was talking to a friend and I landed up saying something i perhaps knew all along but just did realise that i did ...Which is That it's not the situations or pain that is BIG or painfull ...but the stories that we attach to it in our head and the importance that we give to it that makes it larger than life and difficult to handel I like the thought of Stop being the GLASS . Become a Lake " I am sure i will put it to practice and see how it helps me...

Acknowledge Your Blessings

2007-01-12T14:45:00.000+04:00

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received." I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world. Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgement Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed "How is it that? There's no work going on here?" I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. "Just say, "Thank you, Lord."

As I read this passage I received from a friend I immediately thought of Prasad, my teacher and I thanked the lord for bringing him into my life. Today thanks to him I have learnt and begun to acknowledge every little blessing that life keeps showering on me. Life has begun look worth living once again

Thank You Lord !!

A Scary Nite...

2007-01-10T18:57:00.000+04:00

Well I have been meaning to pen down this post but some how didn’t have the courage to do so. Last Friday late night I had the most unexpected incident …

Until yesterday the whole thing had just not synced into me though I talked about it to a lot of friends there after and got great learning’s.

I was driving back from office late at night and usually I am always accompanied by a colleague at that hour but that night I was all alone …As I was nearing my home and driving at a decent speed of 30 -40 km /hr there was just one car ahead of me and safe distance driving (So I thought …little did I know!) ….When suddenly the car ahead without any signaling stopped in the middle of the road, leaving me little or no time to stop myself …BANG !! That’s what happened and I just crashed into the car with a great impact …my seat beat saved me and pulled me back .. that the moment leaving me with feeling of pulling me back and making me totally numb …I did get out of my car and so did the other guy …I was so numb that I just didn’t know how to react to the situation…I had a mobile in my hand I kept looking at it . It was as though I knew that I had to use it for …HELP ! But I just kept looking at it not knowing whom to call or what to ask for …I think I was so numb and frightened that I just didn’t know what my reaction should be . The guy in the car ahead apologized. The reason he gave, to stop the car was just silly, he too knew I guess that it wasn’t right …There was a dead cat on the road and he didn’t have the judgment to cross over it’s body without squashing it so just stopped the car …

At times we just don’t seem to realize what is important …misjudging over a dead cat or risking the life of the people alive. In my shocked state I just yelled at the guy a bit and just sat in the car, called my sister and tried to reach another friend and rushed back home …my heart was pacing at the speed higher than what I have driven on my car last 2.5 yrs.

I reached home and my sister and me talked about it to calm me down . Couldn’t tell mom as she would panic. I tried to sleep but just found my self so scared at the possibility of what could have happened. I just cuddled up like a baby who had seen a bad dream with tears rolling down my eyes. Yes I did feel gratitude for being saved and very apologetic and upset for my baby (Read my Car here).

Next morning I was better and spoke to my close friends to figure how I should go about the damages as that was yet another experience of it’s kind. Went to the Service center got an estimate, tried to understand all those insurance terms and car technicalities …called my uncle in Delhi for help and assurance on what was being done was right and learnt how to go about the official procedure .. Latter a few friends told me the alternative procedures and what should I have done in the spur of the moment. I kept feeling really sad and shitty that whole day seeing the damage…

That’s when my dearest friend Mayank who has just got back to the country after 2 yrs called and said “ Your Car is very lucky for you …It took all the brunt and saved your life” . Suddenly what he said made me feel grateful to the universe and my car.
Its strange, I have thought about that incident many times and realized that I had got the signs that something was going to happen that nite loud and clear … My eyes kept seeing “Caution” “ Keep Safe distance “ etc …I knew that the repeated signs did mean a warning .. but I had some other situation in my mind and I wondered what that warning would mean …

Anyways, as they say all’s well that ends well …So here I am grateful to the universe to keep me safe and teaching me the lessons I had to learn.

Relationships - An introspection !

2007-01-05T15:22:00.000+04:00

I have been thinking on this subject last 3 years …lots of questions, lots of learning’s, lots of failures and lots of gains …Its been a long tiring journey …It is still on and may be may take me a lifetime or more before I reach the destination …Abhijit mentioned to me that the Journey is more important than the destination …

However I had a few realization recently which I thought I must put down .. so that when I do look back in time I know where I have progressed.

I have been feeling last 3 yrs that every new relationship that came into my life was tough to manage, it was too demanding or just wanting a lot out of me without wanting to give in return …It was unlike a lot of relationships / friendships that I had in the past …With most of these relationships I just didn’t seem to have patience …I felt very dominated, confused, unsure and thus withdrew…I never like withdrawing and I like to be with people I like... but at times when I just don’t know how to tackle a situation or how to take things forward I land up stepping back …with time I do find the next steps I need to take and they are always in the right direction …just this stepping back and withdrawal makes me very sad and dejected…

One such recent incident made me think alot ...I just realized that may be it’s how I have been looking at these new relationships that needed a new perspective from my end …I can’t change people but changing my perspective towards them could make my situation better or make me deal with the situation better. I thought to myself and wondered how and why all my friendships or any kind of relationships in the past / current that I have lasted for 15 years and more(infact there have been quite a few ) lasted that well .. then why last few years I seem to feel like a failure …

I came across a couple of reasons

The relationships weren’t built in a day / week/ month

I didn’t have any expectations from them at that point …or may be I did but dealt with them over a period of time

I never feared loosing anything or them …they were important but them not being around didn’t make feel uncomfortable

I didn’t always like their ways but looked for their positives.. I guess they did the same

Yes I did have disagreements and over time we confronted each other and worked around it …not all confrontations were positive but the realtionhips worked...

I guess there was all the time in the world…or we just gave it alot of time

There was a lot of patience, care freeness, no strong opinions or no expectations

We stood by each other in difficult times and celebrated every small victory

Laughed together, shared a lot, cried , enjoyed every moment

All these reasons just bring me to a conclusion ...

Basically, relationship are like a small seed that you plant …you give it water, good sunlight, right manure, nurture it, protect it from the storm and thunder, take out the weeds that grow around and try to hamper its growth, pamper it, give it enough love and look forward for it bloom into a sapling and finally a beautiful tree that has strong roots to face the test of times, give u shelter and bear beautiful flowers and fruits …yes at times the seeds you plant don’t grow and die very fast ….but that has not stopped a planter from clearing out the dead seeds, plough the land again plant new seeds with a new hope and faith …

May be I understand why I thought I was being a failure …and even if I was what stopped me from starting again …to clear out the dead seeds, plough the land again plant new seeds with a new hope and faith …

Beautiful words from an Angel !

2007-01-05T10:35:00.000+04:00

An oyster opens his mouth to swallow one drop.Now there’s a pearl.
A vagrant wanders empty ruins.Suddenly he’s wealthy.
But don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth,
without complicated explanation,so everyone will understand the passage,
we have opened you

....Lines of the great sufi poet Jalaluddin Rumi:

These beautiful lines came to me from Sundaram as a mail this morning ( AKKA Stefan, my German friend and Angel who I met at Reiki Intensive in Goa ). Sundram has a soul stirring voice and sings Indian chants of all Gods and Godesses...His voice is part of my life .. and his chants ring in my ears through the day ...The beauty with which he sings the chants almost makes me want to believe that every God he calls out would be by his side that very instant ... may be to just hear his beautiful voice ...

The the above lines seem to come as a message when I was looking for certain answers to a situation I was unsure of...They have given me HOPE and FAITH ...

It conveys to me that I need to TRUST the universe and my own judgments, TAKE my own little STEPS that the heart guides.. falter may be ...but LEARN from it and Keep On Keeping on ....

The Teacher ...

2006-12-28T18:32:00.000+04:00

The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth."~Dan Rather

The Power of HUGs !

2006-12-28T10:44:00.000+04:00

A Hug is a natural phenomenon …every child has had his share of hugs and pampering . Yet as we grow up we find it more and more difficult to accept how it is the most comforting, healing and a means to display LOVE (By love here I mean Unconditional Love and not sheer Love between 2 individuals )

For some strange reason HUGS weren’t part of my growing up years …I mean a nice warm tight hug ... Hugs that I experienced amongst my family and friends were sort of what they call the “ Social butterfly hug” more superficial just a indication of affection towards the person.

Infact Ritu Mami one of my most affectionate mami’s use give every person in the family a warm hug …the family members use to get a bit perturbed. And she would proudly say “ Humare Kanpur ka to yahi style hai”

A few years back Yashi aunty ( My angel ) introduced the concept of Loving hugs to our family …it was slow process .. but I kind of enjoyed the feel of it. I remember every time I got a warm hug from aunty I felt so much unconditional love …though at that point I still didn’t understand the meaning of unconditional love … As years passed yet another person who came into my life gave me a new dimension for the same simple hug …Security and warmth . Then came the movie Munna Bhai who propagated the Jaadu ki Jappi . I found it a beautiful concept …but there was more to it that I needed to experience I guess.

Untill my Reiki Intensive Work shop at Goa this Oct where I was introduced to yet another perspective to a hug Healing . Yes Hugs are Healing. I remember the 1st 3 days that I hugged my reiki family members ( who then were complete strangers ) I would break down. I have have no clue why but the unconditional love in each hug just seem to touch a emotional wound or a void in my life …each touch at 1st induced pain and then healed it so soothingly …It was a great feeling and very very healing.

I experienced immense love, affection, security, pampering and healing touch with each hug. Almost compensated for all those years that I had missed it. I wondered why ...I guess coz I had created a guard around me after Papa’s death. But I truly believe what goes away always comes back …may be in other forms.

Last nite, I reached my Reiki family members b’day party …very late. They were all dancing away to glory and sweaty …The moment they saw me enter the whole group just surrounded me and gave me a sweaty group hug …Ewww, was the 1st thought that passed my mind the 1st moment but then as I realized the affection with which the hugs were showered on me I felt so loved and pampered. Even that sweaty hugs felt so loving anf good !

I am so glad I got re introduced to The Power of Hugs ! It had surely changed my life and filled it with Unconditional love. It’s amazing how these little things in life can make us feel so loved. I have precribed myself with atlest 20 hugs a week ...and it surely makes me feel very alive and healthy ..HE HE HE

Happy HUGGING ...

What's the real Question ? Acceptance,is it ?

2006-12-27T18:13:00.000+04:00

I am a bit upset … I guess quite disturbed. On a quest for some more answers,yet again….

The question here is about Acceptance…

I have been, last few years noticing that a lot of NEW close friends/ relationships I have been meeting and getting to know are not comfortable to accept me just the way I am. It’s strange for me coz most friendships I have had in my life have been for 15 years and above. Over the years these friends have accepted me for who I am, what I have been through, they have had their point of views on my behavior, but it was conveyed with lot of love and patience.. I guess we have grown up together understanding and learning from our interactions and experiences over the years.

However my new friends,they have very strong opinions or views about life and how they like it …They also have strong views on what they dislike about me, and they have without any hesitation confronted me on the same. The good part is I too have been open and accepting their criticism…strangely for a person like me not been too reactive about the feedback. Though, it has upset me. Been very patient, silent and contemplating what I have been told. Trying to look for the truth.

However I am amazed at the strong reactions and the tone that these friends have been using … all the things I thought about me that were likeable seem to suffocate them. They choose to behave in different strong ways so that I get their point of view.

I too have been silent …open to things at times but yes very quite. May be coz I am in a contemplating and am in a self analysis mode. However I have started to feel that they perhaps have been misunderstanding my silence and patience as my weakness which has begun to bother me now.

What is bothering me really, various things …

1)Why have they been so stern and reactive to me? Almost like they are here to teach me a lesson !
Can I not understand the language of love … I sure can.. at least try once..

2)Why can’t they accept me for what I am and lovingly share what they feel about me?
I am wiling to accept their views and improve on my negatives…are they willing to hear mine?

3)Why don’t they realize that they aren’t perfect either and may be there are things about them I dislike too ?
However I do accept them coz I feel there is more to our friendship and relationship that I wish to discover and just suppressing the other doesn’t give me that opportunity…

4)Why don’t they realize that we are part of each others lives for a reason ?
The reason being, we are here together to learn and grow into beautiful individuals

But then again I think if there is this situation showing up time and again it’s here to give me a message as I know that “The outer world is always a reflection of our inner world.”

So is the real issue their acceptance of me or me accepting myself...?

I am leaving this post with a lot confused thoughts at the moment …However I know that I am aware of my situation and surely this declaration to the universe shall lead people or answers to me soon.

Life takes a full circle …

2006-12-22T19:47:00.000+04:00

Had it not been that one little step, continuous persuasion, love and warmth 11 years back by my Angel …I could have never been what I am today . Would have been so shattered and completely a wreck I guess. Then on second thoughts may be not coz God does find a way to reach out to us, wipe our tears, heal our pain and make us stronger and shower us with Love we truly deserve.

Today I too took one such step to bring back a true smile, shower abundance of love and heal a soul in pain.

Ms. G, the most loving and caring girl of our office who had lost her husband early this year… Ms. G hasn’t had the time to grieve …her mother is a heart patient and thus crying at home would cause her mother harm and rest of the day she spends in office keeping herself so busy that she perhaps doesn’t even remember she is still hurting.

Exactly the state I was for 5 years of my life …fighting responsibilities, drowning myself in work. just an escape so that I could suppress my pain...I didnt even realise what i was doing untill one day I had a break down and how ...As Prasad says " Your biggest Break down is the time for your biggest Break Throughs"...There began my journey of transformation.

I see her doing the same that i did ...Run Away .. as far as you can and till you can from your situation…can so relate to her. But She is a Brave Girl …I guess I was too  . As rightly said "Fortune Favors The Brave "

I gifted her a Reiki I session with my master magician Prasad as a Christmas gift …just a small step to lead her to towards an Angel who I know will help her release, grieve and bring unbelievable miracles in her life. I have complete faith that Universe will take care and bring her all the goodness she deserves . This little step of mine makes me feel very very Happy and gives me a feeling that truly .. Life takes a full circle …

End of a Journey !!

2006-12-13T12:50:00.000+04:00

Here comes a journey to it’s end today, only to embark me on another journey that lies ahead ...
The path is new, the quest seems the same, the stakes exist yet again…
Where the new journey shall take me this time is a mystery yet …
Though my heart urges me to keep walking with faith in myself and let the universe unfold what it has in store for me …

I Surrender …I Surrender …

2006-12-12T10:34:00.000+04:00

This weekend I decided to pep myself up as I have been quite unwell for the last 4 weeks ,almost out of action and feeling very low …Visiting Rachna always helps when I need to boost my spirits. Rachana is this good friend of mine who runs a beauty parlor. We have known each other last almost 8 years …it was at a photoshoot that we met where she had come to assist her mother who is a leading hair stylist. We just clicked and it’s been 8 yrs since…

Rachna is great hairstylist. Over the years, she has been constantly learning hair styling and grown in her field. She is a beautiful person too ...a strong young girl who has shouldered alot of responsiblites that life brought forth and yet the most positive, bubbly and cheerful person i have ever met. This beautiful and positive persona of her's always rubs off on me when i am around her. I guess this amazing personality and her great hair styling is the reason i don't remember going to any other stylist for a hair cut and styling in the last 8 years.

This visit again as always I just went to her and said “ Just make me look Hot and Happening as usual” he he he …And she got to her job. We kept chatting as she worked on my hair and I was telling her how I totally trusted her when it came to my hair ..

Just then a thought struck me and amazed me …that is, in the last 8 years I have just gone to her and surrendered with the faith that she is the Hair Expert and she knows what’s best for me …this complete faith and understanding has always had an outcome of me loving my hair and the look she decides for me each time ( even though the look may be not what I had planned or could have ever imagined I would be able to carry off) and not to forget getting showered with compliments from every one there after.I wondered, in the similar manner only if I could surrender my life with complete faith on the Universe (The EXPERT !!) for every little thing wouldn’t life be so easy and beautiful … I guess this little realization is just the 1st step and may open many more doors to offer a miraculously beautiful life I truly deserve…

Surrendering reminds me of Prasad’s little song that he had taught us at The Reiki Intensive in Goa .. it's been on my mind and I have been humming it ever since …

I Surrender
I Surrender
I Surrender to LOVE
I Surrender
I Surrender
I Surrender to LIFE …

Tell me why ?

2006-12-08T19:27:00.000+04:00

Why does standing by what you believe in, typecast you ?
Why is being true to your reality put u on a tough track on the so called real world?
Why is being shallow and superficial earns its acceptance and accolades?
Why is being nice to people around gets treated as your weakness?
Why is commitment to life, your values, relationships and yourself make you seem old fashioned?

Suffocation in this so called Man's World !

2006-12-04T17:55:00.000+04:00

Why this angst …
Why this constant struggle….
Why the need to fight and get my simple needs fulfilled …
Why this need time again to prove my identity …
Why this disappointment for being cheated …
Why this instant alienation and scrutiny from the society for every small mistake I make…
Why the piercing eyes that follow my every move …
Why this need to break me down every time I try to rise above my limits…
No I don’t have any regret in being partner to the so called superior Man
It’s just an unfair price one has to pay to live in the so called Man’s world …
Makes me wonder time and again if the almighty had ever thought what ‘The Man’ would do to the partner he created to compliment, nurture and stand by him …

The Priceless little gifts from life !

2006-11-29T16:25:00.000+04:00

I have been on the look out to buy myself a diamond pendant since last couple of months to replace a small pretty heart pendant in white gold with a small tiny diamond that I had been wearing last 2.5 years.

After much search I did manage to buy myself something interesting, attractive with quite a few diamonds on it. I was proud of myself as it was my 1st piece of expensive Jewellery with my own money. I felt great that I had finally replaced my favorite pendant with something new ,refreshing and that too worth good amount of money. But to my luck in 10 days of wearing the piece turned out faulty and a diamond fell off. While I managed to get all my money back from the brand I had bought it, as I reached for my cupboard that nite to keep back the money I received, my favorite little heart shapped pendant showed up in front of me.

I had tears rolling down my eyes at the thought that while today I had the money to buy myself a fancy pendant my small tiny little heart shaped pendant surely was what I still loved a lot and it seemed priceless. I realized it was not the value of the pendant that made it priceless but the emmotion, situation and the person who gifted the same to me.

I started to think of all things in my life that were as priceless as the pendant and the list that showed up amazed me…

 Every new Hindi film cassettes that papa gifted me
 The gold chain and gold pendant that papa gifted me after my 12th Standard good results
 Rs. 100 that I got in college as pocket money from papa( never lasted more than a week )
 The offer from my 1st ever crush to walk me back home from tuitions
 My 1st ever rose from a very dear friend in college on the rose day
 My 18th Birthday party where every thing went wrong yet my amazing best friends and family went all out of the way to make the best of it
 A belated birthday bouquet from my dearest friend Pariksheet every birthday
 The surprise birthday wishes on a slide show of the film screen and birthday wishes in midst of a film by my dearest friend on my 21st Birthday
 My Driving license
 My 1st salary cheque of Rs 1500
 My 1st Seaffer Pen from my 1st Boss, Best friend, Mentor and Guide
 The phone call wishing me on Valentines day from my crush for a long time
 Getting that 1st international stamp on my passport that too with my hard earned money
 A little poetry on my name written by a favorite colleague as birthday gift
 A little pink teddy bear gifted by a dear friend as a Thank you for helping him out with his marriage preparations
 My favorite little white sheep and puppy that my two dear friends won from the gaming machine especially for me.
 My 1st drive in my ‘Own’ car
 The ‘Down Memory Lane ‘film with a montage of my pictures gifted to me by my Best friend to make my 30th Birthday most memorable.

I can keep listing so many priceless gifts and moments in my life, it just seems endless. However when I look back I realize that just like my little heart shaped pendant each of these gifts and situations can never be valued by money or be replaced with the most expensive objects in the world.

Conflict within the crazy MIND !!

2006-11-25T15:33:00.000+04:00

After Goa Reiki Intensive I thought I had experienced transformation …I felt rejuvenated, happy , released, at peace with myself and the world around. But obviously had not tackled all …no not saying I am not at peace, or happier than before, or more confident of accepting myself just the way I am or see life in a better light.

But I think these 9 days of being home not being able to do much, the pain, the lack of sleep being alone with self has brought about a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings forward. Not afraid to face them as courage I have gained in the recent times ..I just don’t like them …they make me confused and unhappy.

The Mind seems to be the biggest culprit of all …it plays strange games, shows up unnecessary fears, anger, hidden feelings, people and situations u thought you had dealt with, suddenly things said by your teacher or wise ones seem to make more sense than ever before however you don’t know how to make use of them to rescue yourself from the mess the mind seems to take u towards.

One just wants to ‘be in the being ness’ strangely at this moment which seems impossible and one craves for getting back “to the doing ness” ( if I have understood that right from what Prasad meant), the conflict doesn’t seem to just end there and despite of all the understanding you thought you had gained over the years you suddenly want to be irrational, you have this innate desire to have back and get all that u had compromised with for so long in your life. You want it all, NOW !! In a way you belittle yourself for having shown that rational behavior u had then in the 1st place. Your conflict confuses you, makes you feel u are failing and that too miserably.

I don’t understand what I am experiencing …these highs, lows, rational and irrational emotions yet I have no choice ( or rather I think I choose ) to experience and be a silent observer, with the Ray Of Hope that Abhijeet has just given me saying “ Your biggest breakdown is always the opportunity for your biggest breakthrough!”

Face Fear Head On !!

2006-11-20T14:52:00.000+04:00

Today is the 5th day I have been home, thanx to my back ache. I have been so restless, restless coz of the pain, discomfort, lack of sleep, being home alone and more so coz being alone makes me face my fears. And they as loyal friends have shown up yet again …I have known them for years but yet never understood why they existed in my life. At times I battle them and win, at times I just burry them away, or at times I just keep running away from them making myself so busy with work or my nonstop chatter . While over the years I have won over quite a few of them …there are these loyal ones that keep showing up testing me time and again and I tend to fail miserably and go down on my knees and accept my helpless defeat.

I have been wondering why this back ache has appeared in the 1st place…its so untimely (and undesired of course) I mean its not that I hurt myself or slipped or anything of that sort. Yes I do agree that body gives signs …and that everything in life has a reason, nothing is a coincidence,always a perfect plan.

Due to being alone I have been reading quite a bit …not particularly a hobby but I enjoy reading philosophy and self help based books. I read them in a weird fashion though …ask a question in my mind and pick up the 1st random page that shows up. At times the book I pick is by a random choice too. Amazing part is most often the page I land up opening gives me an answer or cue to solve my problem.

Last few days, specially last evening I was in conflict with myself and my fears and finally got fed up of the whole act ( that’s how I usually take action in life and it always works ).. I sat with myself and asked what can I do to get rid of them …from within came a voice …”Don’t run away Face them Head On” and see the magic. For a moment I wasn’t sure if that was my inner voice or my mind that did the speaking…quickly reminded myself of what Abhijeet mentioned to me the other day when I asked him as to how do I know if what I heard is my hearts voice or my mind’s ? He spontaneously replied “When u stop asking that question and surrender!”

After a few hours latter when I settled down in bed ..I opened a random page from Robin Sharma’s book “ The Man who sold his Ferrari” and guess what it said …
“The only limits on your life are those you set on yourself…

Take time to reflect on what it is that you might be keeping you from the life you really want and know deep down you can have.

Once u identified what your weaknesses are, the next step is to face them head on and attack your fears.

Fear is nothing but a mental monster you have created, a negative stream of consciousness. They are nothing more than imaginary little gremlins that have crept into the mind over the years.”

The voice I heard and this chapter both seem to give me a message …a Message of Facing My Fears Head On…it surely wasn’t any coincidence but a sure sign of help extended by the universe. I decided too accept what came and flow with it…I took a pen and paper and decided to pen down my FEARS …specially the ones that had been most loyal.

Strangely just 4 fears immerged ( can u imagin just of them ruling my life ). I kept looking at them with anger,disgust, then with a fright and then with tears in my eyes. Now that I had faced them I didn’t know what should I do next. Just then I was reminded of a technique my boss had demonstrated to me to find solution to any work related issue. He called it the Toyota 5 Whys ?. Honestly while that demonstration had intrigued me it had not got me any real solutions. However I decided to try it out on my personal front. The technique was easy …All you have to do is Pen down the issue and drill it further with a Why to every answer that came up …5 such why’s usually helps you identify the real problem and guides you through a solution.

I picked each of the 4 fears and grilled them to the 5 WHY?....I was shocked and amazed when I actually managed to land up to the cause of the fears…they weren’t something I had ever imagined and had stemmed from past circumstances mostly childhood related. The discovery shook me up…and for a while I was numb. The next step was to find the solutions… as they rightly say the 1st crucial step to solving the problem is to identify it in the 1st place.

While I have begun to process of finding the solution with the faith that my heart, the universe and my teacher Prasad will guide me… I am very very happy that thanx to facing My Fears Head On I now know they are just a figment of my imagination and can be tackled with ease. And I can receive all that I desire and deep down I know I deserve!

Picture this ...

2006-11-18T22:49:00.000+04:00

Picture this …Sitting by the Ocean on soft velvety sand, the gentle chilly breeze blowing from one direction just stopping by you as though holding u in a tight hug, the fire ball already settled itself in the comforting cool water of the ocean leaving behind an orangish pinkish trail at the horizon that gels so beautifully, just a shadow of the walkers that pass by you against the back drop of the twilight, the varying sounds of the waves with each rising and falling tide, two tiny boats floating aimlessly on the ocean far in the distance….humm ! Isn’t this the perfect evening …almost a dream come true specially on a working Friday evening.

It’s a pity, it was only possible as I was fed up of be trapped at home confined to my bed due to back ache. Why can’t I make it possible more often considering I stay near the beach and my office is near the beach a well.

However better late than never … I want to thank Mahendra for this realization and inspiring me. Last Tuesday evening when I called him he told me how he was fed up of sitting in front of the computer working all day so had stepped out to beach and was enjoying the waves, the beach and the breeze.

How simple it is to enjoy life’s pleasures yet how impossible we make it seem to achieve …

Is This Really Worth It ?

2006-11-18T10:24:00.000+04:00

I have been home last 3 days with a severe back ache ( spasm of sorts )thanks to my negligence and ignoring the same last 1 month on the pretext that I don’t have the time… which has made me wonder if this rut called corporate life really worth it ?

We work hard …very hard, day & nights, ignoring ourselves, our health, our own life or loved ones.

What do we earn in return? Oh yes, lots of recognition, a fancy promotion, a title of some sorts (“Ms 24x7” I received from my clients which made me realize the pity state of my life- personal to be precise ), added responsibility for the well displayed commitment to the job and you set an example for others.

What more … a depleting personal life, disconnect with loved ones, their needs, time for our self, deter rating health, introduction to emotions like anxiety, irritation, anger, dissatisfaction, loosing sight of little pleasures of life that truly make us happy and much much more. Is all this really worth it ?

My ex colleague all of 33 yrs collapsed at a clients party due to a stroke and had to be rushed in for a by pass surgery, yet another college friend all of 29 yrs married just for a year was found dead from a stroke at hotel room on his biz trip, another colleague highly diabetic but working 24x 7 meeting client deadlines, not talking a break for him self for 2 yrs and more collapses with a stroke the 1st day of his vacation with his family. Another colleague all of 26 yrs …one of those Mr 24x 7 finds himself prescribed to 3 weeks bed rest and a threat if not followed to lead to a slip disc, another biz associate cum good friend ( all of 31 yrs …and single )who dazed me at a long scheduled shoot pumping 7 painkiller tablets due to no time to rest and post the shoot finding herself all alone in a PG appt , away from family fighting cervical spondalites and malaria attack …and nobody, mind you nobody to even know her state, until she managed to find the strength to pick the phone and ask a biz associate like me for desperate help. No seriously I ask again, is this really worth it ?

It just gets better …what do we do when we hear this? Thank our stars that it WASN’T US !! , make a sympathy call to the family of our colleague and then just forget the person as we get busy in our so called work life , We tell our self and people around that one must work hard but not take each task personally else we too will be victim of ill health , or add humor and say see that’s why we don’t grant long leave. And eventually get going in the same rut till some other eventuality occurs …I ask yet again is this really really worth it ?

What more …we fool ourselves by saying it’s a competitive world out there, we are part of the rut not out of choice but out of compulsion, for a moment just think of the sorry state we have reached …the moment we see some one satisfied and leading a normal life where he earns just about the money to satisfy his needs but enjoys a life beyond work we begin to question his ‘Fire’ in life and smirk back at him thinking what a looser he is … I ask yet again is this really really worth it ?

We have no time for anything that really provides us pleasure …little moments with our self, may be a walk by the beach enjoying the waves, enjoying every morsel of the meal cooked by our loved one with unconditional love, enjoying the giggles, innocent actionas and loving words of our little children in their wonderful growing up years, the pleasure of just sitting with our spouse holding hands and just enjoying each others presence in our lives. Or being with our parents and enjoying their warmth and love till they are with us.

I had read in a book that when we say that we can’t spare time for our self it is like saying …I have to get some where really important but I don’t have time to fill the gas in my car. Somewhere along the journey way the gas is sure to run out and then you will have to break down.

IS THIS ‘RUT’ REALLY WORTH IT ? Think about it …just as I am and its high time we realize where and how to the draw the line …

A Ride Back Home ...

2006-11-15T09:25:00.000+04:00

Last nite as I rode back home with my junior Siraj, we talked about life in general and I happen to share how a close friends bitching about my driving skills that had upset me alot, the one who I always gave the credit for boosting my confidence when I had just begun to drive 2 years back.

Driving has been my passion and I remember how only my dearest papa understood it and believed in my little dream. As a kid I wanted to be truck driver coz it was the biggest vehicle I thought I could drive. The moment I turned 18, papa enrolled me to a driving school and bought a car that I could practice on …yes I did learnt and did drive around with papa in our blue Fiat. It was the happiest moment of my life! Being able to drive, that too, under my papa dearest guidance.

But I guess life had other plans…few months there after papa passed away. I still remember in those 3 months of the ICU he had mentioned to me “ Jaa gadi lekar aa mujhe ghar jana hai”. In that semi conscious state too he remembered my dream.

However with his untimely death came a pause to all my dreams. Life just seemed to stand still …infact after a while started slipping out of my fist like sand…we emotionally lost a lot and materialistically as well …Had to sell off the cars as my grand parents who in their best knowledge of the moment and protective nature didn’t want me to hurt myself with the car.

It felt like some one had pulled my life’s chain to a halt…a halt to my passions, interest, dreams and everything there was in my life.

Some how amazingly my dream of driving my own car some day just didn’t seem to die …got buried for a while…long while actually, yet remained in my heart. I always knew that I will have my car some day and will drive …didn’t know how it will happen but knew it will happen for sure some day. I often wondered who will hold my hand and teach me how to crawl, take baby steps and then run.

Though life closed the door on my face …it had opened small windows around. Along came people who stood by me, pampered me, pulled out all my buried dreams,and gave them wings. Sagar uncle, Renu mami ,Anand, Niki, Ruchi and Dilip uncle are the ones who strongly believed in my biggest dream “ My Car”. In their own little ways kept it alive in my heart …and after a long wait …came the great day when I managed to buy my own car …it was my life’s biggest achievement …step by step I re learnt to drive. I didn’t have papa with me all the time to guide but as and when some one corrected and guided me began to learn and gain confidence. Being with my car is always my happiest moment …yes I do miss Papa a lot and wish so many times that he could be here. Every time I drive I remind myself that even the most impossible dreams can come true only if we believe in it.

As I was sharing this with Siraj my life flashed in front of my eyes. Just then Siraj ( quite an interesting personality that he is .. to describe in short he is ‘Circuit’ from Munna bhai in his mumbaiya style of talking, mannerisms etc ..very clean hearted, jovial, team player, fun loving guy…one who can extend himself completely and unconditionally to help people he loves) started to talk to me . He said the most amazing things in his own Mumbaiya style he said …” Aap ko na ab gaadi chalana atta hai ..maast gadi chalte ho, magar ab aap ko na zara style se chalaneka, Ekdum confidence mein aur easy ho ke ..tension bilkul nahi lene ka, bhale dheere chalo magar confidence aur stle mein. Gaadi ko feel karne ka …steering wheel jab turn karte ho to usko feel karo, break jab lagate ho to usko feel karo, gaadi ki har movement aur awaaz ko feel karo,engine ki aawaz ko feel karo, wheel ke movement ko feel karo, cluch ko feel karo, drive ko feel karo, gaadi jab turn karti hai na usko feel karo …aap feel kar ke chaloge na to 100% apko bhaut maza ayengi , koi kuch bhi bole aap ekdun mast ho ke chalo”

I kept hearing him… acknowledging his words, carefully heard every bit of what he said and was trying to convey… this little master of mine unknowing was teaching me a lesson. He was trying to tell me to feel every experience, feel my passion and live it, feel each experience however good or bad, feel my dream as though they has already happened , feel every situation that life offers us without any regrets and soon I would realize life is beautiful and worth living …

Its amazing how that ride back home with the little master could teach me important lessons. Thank you Siraj for those simple yet effective words that I seem to understand more and more as I dwell on them. I shall surely try to live and experience every little thing that comes forth and enjoy it to the fullest. Thank you Universe for yet again pulling me out of the misery that I had created for myself with some loose remarks made by some one and instilling confidence back again

Newage Umrao Jaan !

2006-11-13T16:15:00.000+04:00

While I totally hated the remake of Umrao Jaan starring Ashwariya Rai and Abhishiek Bachchan ...Gosh Ash how ever beautiful people think she is ...can just never match up ever to Rekha's grace and aada... the only saving grace of the film was brilliant performance by my all time favorite Shabana Azmi ( Bravo .. she was awesome !!)

However the story of Umrao Jaan did leave me disturbed ..."jo ab kiye ho daataa aisaa naa ki jo, agale janam mohe bitiyaa naa ki jo,jo ab kiye ho daataa aisaa naa ki jo " The words of this beautiful song haunted me ...

Urban world seems to believe that women have come a long way but the truth is, its not true ...reality bites us . And so did Shobha De article in the Times Of India yesterday. I am not being able to express what i feel ... the feeling that I am left behind after pondering on the life of a misfortunate woman ...

I love the way Shobha de has put forth that i guess are the thoughts in my mind ...

I love the part of her write ... "Umrao Jaan is betrayed by everyone- Her own family, the man she loves, Her crime? She sells her body- not out of choice , but compulsion. And the same body, which is her only currency, eventually betrays her too."

Also the part ..."Over a century has passed but attitudes remain stubbornly frozen- women have to be 'pure' when marry, and virgin still commands a premium in the competitive meat market we call marriage"

Read on ...

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke

2006-11-10T13:10:00.000+04:00

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke,
Yeh Aarzoo Kaise Ruke - 2

Manzil Muskil to kya,
Bundla Sahil to kya,
Tanha Ye Dil to Kya
Ho Hooo

Raah Pe Kante Bikhre agar,
Uspe to phir bhi chalna hi hai,
Saam Chhupale Suraj magar,
Raat ko ek din Dhalana hi hai,

Rut ye tal jayegi,
Himmat rang layegi,
Subha phir aayegi
Hoooo

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke,
Yeh Aarzoo Kaise Ruke - 2

Hogi hame to rehmat ada,
Dhup kategi saaye tale,
Apni khuda se hai ye Dua,
Manzil lagale humko gale

Zurrat so baar rahe,
Uncha Ikraar rahe,
Zinda har pyar rahe
Hoooo

Yeh Hosla Kaise Juke,
Yeh Aarzoo Kaise Ruke - 2

This is a beautiful song from Nagesh Kuknoor's DOR ...its very inspirational and very impactful ...atleast made me think and gave me hope ... Bravo to the writer !!
Have put the link so that you can hear the song !
href="http://www.raaga.com/channels/hindi/movie/H001083.html">

Wise words than make me ponder ...

2006-11-10T10:32:00.000+04:00

1) Choose what you want and get what you choose

2) You can't plan to have fun, you just have to seize the moment and live in it.

3) The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

4) The best friendship doesnt come when your together, it comes when your apart and when you realize that despite distances and silence ... friendship survives

5) Life gives you 3 answers, in 3 ways, it says Yes and gives you what you want, it says No and gives you something better, it says Wait and gives you the Best!

6) The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth."

7) Courage has Power, Genius and Magic !

8) You do not choose your Master .. it's the Master who chooses you.

9 ) Devotion is Oneness. Devotion = Trust + Surrender = Meditation

10) You have the power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find strenght

Rumbling of the restless mind ?

2006-11-07T21:29:00.000+04:00

The river never questions its flow about the direction to the shore …
The setting sun never questions if there will be another sunrise again…
The dark tunnel never questions if it will see light at the end of its journey…
The sapling never questions if it will grow into a mighty tree and bear juicy fruits someday…

Nature just flows and enjoys each moment of its journey without questioning …
And yet where ever the journey leads to always turns out to be for it’s best...

Then why am I questioning my new journey and its direction…?
Why am I letting unnecessary fears try to get a grip on me ?
Why am I not letting things just be and enjoy each moment of the journey without the fear of the destination

Yet another milestone !

2006-11-04T12:21:00.000+04:00

Every birthday we grow a year older and wiser (I suppose!!) yet after we complete our teens we start dreading getting older. With each milestone we cross we tend to be vary … of what I am not too sure yet …

One such milestone is turning 30 …

I have been dreading it last 2 years …and with each day getting closer I just was so restless…Until last night when I celebrated my 30th birthday …Strange part is, now that I am HERE and NOW the fears just seemed so silly and meaningless. Fears of being Single, Fear of being left alone, fear of loosing that enthusiasm in life, Fear of failures and rejections, Fear of my life just being part of the rat race …running aimlessly not knowing where we are really heading, fear of loosing out on relationships etc

In the last few months I feel I have actually begun living a new life all over again …its almost as if I have been re born. All the above fears had gripped me so hard that one fine day I decided to break out of the confines and break free …I started with little steps towards creating the new life I wanted … and new doors kept opening up leading me towards this new life.

Though my key door was that opened to my master magicians house …Prasad’s house. That door has opened for me avenues that I didn’t believe I deserved or would ever be able to achieve …such as unconditional love, feeling of gratitude, feeling deserving, true happiness, release, awareness and acceptance to all circumstances and emotions, love for oneself, a big supportive family, faith, patience, being in the moment, abundance, miracles, making what one wants happen for oneself and much much more.

My 30th Birthday ( I like the way I can say it to myself with out that silly fear ) was by far the best birthday I have ever celebrated so far. It started with celebrations with my Reiki family where I was showered by best wishes, love and Reiki, then my family ( that entails my Mom,Sonal Niki and Meena surprising me at midnight with their wishes and gifts,then my office ( which has been like my 1st home ) colleagues, friends pampering and showering me with compliments, and finally spending a fun evening with family and close friends laughing, chatting, even dancing to the dhol ( that was awesome fun) at Phirangi Dhaba…and yes highlight of the evening was “ Down Memory Lane” a film that my 2 best friends Niki , Meena and my Sister Sonal have put together specially for me, which is a montage of pictures of me from childhood till date along with almost every important person and milestone of my life…it has the beautiful background score from KK “ Kal yaad ayeinge yeh Pal” .

I cant even explain how touched and happy I am to see this beautiful film…its truly a trip down memory lane which made me realize how enriched my life has become and how each and every person that touched my life and filled it with love, experiences, emotions, gratitude, and made it so beautiful and meaning full.

I have promised myself that from this milestone onwards I will lead a life in complete gratitude, acceptance and to the fullest ensuring that on the ‘D’ day when I look back I shall feel that I lived my life in the most beautiful way that there was.

A Reality or A Reflection !

2006-10-28T23:53:00.000+04:00

Film making is such an art …a good film maker is the one who can communicate strong messages in the most simple yet effective manner. He is the one who says a story that can make the audience relate to the characters and situations and take back home something that can touch their mundane life in a subtle manner. At times I wonder if good films are inspired from reality or it’s a reflection of real situations, thoughts or characters.

One such film maker that I truly admire is Nagesh Kuknoor. I just watched his recent film called ‘Dor’. Loved the way he unfolds the story …As I understood it , a story of two women’s parallel lives far away from each other yet connected strangely that brings them together at a point in life. I loved the character of both the women …

Zeenat a strong independent woman from Himachal who believes in making things happen in life for herself. She emanates inner strength and believes in empowering other women. Like every woman she has her moments of weakness too though her immense faith in the universe helps her over come her weak moments and be a winner always.

Meera from a small village in Rajasthan on the other hand is a bubbly young girl full of life and innocence personified. She too has inner strength and tolerance that every woman is blessed with. She is so use to her protective and conservative up bringing that she never felt the need to tap her inner true self until Zeenat comes into her life. Zeenat though there for her own selfish reasons manages to empower innocent Meera. She helps Meera recognize and tap her true self .

The film has a lot of take homes …like the “ Always follow your heart” , “Take the leap of faith and you will never falter” “ True strength is always in our own hands…one just needs to recognize it and take charge and responsibility of our own life”

I could see a reflection of myself in both the women. I saw myself as Zeenat who at every stage of her life had fought for what she believed in at the risk of being called insane and spontaneous, someone who had to take a lot of decisions on her own ( big and small) yet like Meera most times fumbled to take the same. Hoped in those moments of weakness and confusion for someone else to come and take the decisions for her and the onus of the responsibility attached with them aswell. Like Zeenat I too believed that come what may will learn from the situation and move forward yet just like Meera needed that angel to come in to my life from time to time and introduce me to my true inner strength and tap it to take the leaf with confidence.

Wow suddenly I feel empowered on recognizing my strengths and weaknesses. I guess that’s the power of a great story and a storyteller. Hats off Nagesh …I totally Love your films and shall continue to watch them. For those who haven’t watched Dor, Iqbal, Teen deewarien, Rockford and Hyderabad Blues …MUST DEKHO !

The funny thing called Life!

2006-10-27T16:16:00.000+04:00

Love hurts and yet it’s the most powerful emotion that heals and fulfills each life ...

Time waits for no one yet only the right things happen at just the right time…

We shed tears in sadness and the very same tears don’t stop in moments of joy…

“I need my space” is what we often tell our loved ones and funnily we get into relationships only to fill in that void in our life…

Our egos stop us from reaching out to the ones we love the most yet they are the ones we miss the most

We are so quick to blame people and circumstances for our state of life yet when things go our way how easily we forget to thank and appreciate the same

We run all around to look for happiness yet never seem to enjoy all the little moments that bring happiness in our lives so easily

Just a thought of the moment ...

2006-10-22T21:14:00.000+04:00

“There is so much magnificent in the ocean …waves are coming in … waves are coming in ” …so beautiful and true were these lines of Sundaram’s song. He also explained that all the highs and lows that waves experience and chaos that we see at the ocean bed exist only at the surface…but at it’s depth the ocean is very calm …today I understand what he really meant.

Each day in our life we go through highs and lows, the trick to lead a good life I think is to be an observer of each emotion and circumstance, not react to it but to experience it completely and try to work towards creating the “calm” deep within just like the ocean …

Truly soulstirring music ...

2006-10-17T13:21:00.000+04:00

7th Oct 2006

I have often heard of music that can touch your soul. But I truly experienced it only on this trip. I am not very musically inclined, infact don’t have any particular liking for music …what ever sounds good is what I hear. But this trip I met some who has given me a new meaning to music, spirituality and humbleness.
Sundaram, a German by origin ( Stephan ,his actual name I figured after a little latter ) flew down specially for this Reiki Intensive course.

I had heard his chants at Prasad’s and was looking forward to see him. The day he arrived we were all anxious to see what he looks like. We were told he is tried and will join us in the evening.

At 9 am group reiki session as we sat with out eyes shut in our meditative mode listening to chants playing in the background suddenly we heard harmonium playing and Sundarm singing ‘ Shri Raghunatha’ … that voice felt like it touched a cord deep within. It sounded like some one very intense and devotional. To think of a German singing Hindu chants and that too so beautifully was just amazing.

As we completed our meditation and opened our eyes we all were searching for Sundaram. He had disappeared leaving us in mystery again. He came back in the evening and we just couldn’t stop smiling at him … imagine a bunch of mad 80 people just looking at someone and smiling ear to ear waiting for him to speak…I am sure he felt the love over flowing for him …We had him sing every evening for us …at times we got meditative and times we just danced in celebration. The feeling that his music created was that of a complete HIGH!!.

Sundaram even took us to the beach one evening and sang by the sea side for us …picture this … the gushing waves, the setting sun, the moon that seem to just be rising and Sundaram’s soul sitting music …it was something so spectacular that i i fall short of words to describe .

He sang a beautiful song that evening the line of which were “There is so much magnificent by the ocean … waves are coming in waves are coming in” That small line just brought out a lot of pain within and helped it get released in the form of unstoppable tears.It was beautiful …

Every evening he would share some interesting stories with us …he cutely called every story as his favorite story. We all very anxiously sat to hear him out. We totally loved the way he would make his stories more interesting by the special sound effects he gave them. It was like re living our child hood when our parents or grand parents read out interesting stories to us.

What was even more amazing was the glow, the calm, the humbleness, naughtiness, intensity on this young German’s face. It just made me forget any worry that came to my mind …

And that’s not all … Prasad and Sundaram made a dream come true . Actually made a special moment just memorable for life. This is on Sharad Purnima day ( Full Moon night ) on 7th Oct 2006. It was suppose to be a very auspicious night according to the Hindu calendar.

Prasad surprised us by announcing that we were going to walk on the beach for a while at night to enjoy the moon lit night. To add to our happiness he announced that Sundaram would sing for us. Picture this ….a family of 80 of us …walking on the silver sand beach that was sparkling due to the beautiful full moon light. At a point we stopped and looked at the beautiful full moon. It seemed to have an aura around it …a glow of red and golden light. It felt like a dream …

Soon we sat down in a huddle. We had yet another surprise awaiting us. Usha ji this very graceful Kathak dance decided to perform to Sundarams chant as her offering to her teacher Prasad . It was just amazing to get a glimpse of Ushaji’s eye movements and hand gestures in the moon light sitting on the cool silken sand with the waves adding to the music of the manjiras and the harmonium.

After a while I kept listening to Sundaram’s music and lie on the sand watching the moon. The way he sang I am sure that night all the gods he called out to must have left what ever they were doing and must have graced all of us with their presence. It really seemed like the doors of heaven were open .I prayed for myself and all my loved ones and enjoyed each moment that was offered to me. It was a night I shall never forget my entire life …I took certain important decisions too at that moment that I have promised to stick by no matter what odds I may have to face .

Sundaram’s voice is spectacular and ever since I sleep with it playing in my mind and wake up with it in my heart. Thanks universe for introducing me to such beauties of life that I seemed to be ignoring so last so many years …

The Magic of Expressions...

2006-10-15T22:24:00.000+04:00

5TH Oct 2006
Emotions like love, affection, care, gratitude, joy, anger, sadness etc.aren’t they all beautiful. Then why do we resist from truly expressing them. Why do we hold back ? I think it ‘Fear’…yes fear of rejection, fear of being laughed at, fear of being misunderstood and lot many fears.

This holding back most often stops us from experiencing Magic …magic of the reciprocations that we could have received by sheer expression.

In the last 5 days I have battled my fear and resistance and expressed my feelings, thoughts, views and affection to people known and unkown and I am overwhelmed by the responses I have received. One such expression is to a complete stranger M.

On the 2nd day of the beach walk in the evening I saw a flock of birds flying from one tree on the left to the other on the right. This flock was noisy and continued this little act of there’s. I wondered what must have happened or must have caused this chaos.
When suddenly me eyes fell upon M…a very intense quiet looking fellow from the group. I had been observing him right from the train journey and felt something very mysterious about him. There seemed a lot hiding behind his intensity and aloofness. It almost looked like a mask he was wearing to hide someone beautiful within. I wondered why but yet this mask and the mystery behind it attracted me.

M stood way below the tall trees with a long stick and was innocently swaying it in the directions that the birds were already flying. His little act looked like he was pretending to make the existing chaos happened. It looked very cute and I broke into a big broad smile. Smile that felt from the heart. This incident some how stayed with me.

Yesterday I realized that M felt the need to overcome his non expressive nature …probably something he had been hearing about from people too. I found it strange coz that little act of his on his beach to me looked very expressive and beautiful. To an observer like me it expressed his innocence, playfulness and I guess his state of mind at that moment. Then why did he feel he was non expressive is what I wondered. While I understood the importance of verbal expression I thought even expressing by ones deeds was effective and beautiful. My papa often did that and it worked wonderfully for us.

I wanted to convey the same to M but the fear of being misunderstood and rejected stopped me from reaching out. I kept thinking of ways to reach out and to begin with gather the courage . Prasad often says “ Courage has power, genius and magic” I truly experienced all 3 when I decided to express myself to M. I wrote down a note which Prasad jokingly called a ‘Love letter’ and sent it to Prasad to read it out to him as we were still in silence. I had decided to keep faith in myself and no matter what the outcome accept it as a message. M was obviously stunned to receive a note from me, a stranger he had not spoken to …not even bothered to reciprocated with a smile in last few days of being together .Though he stayed with that dazed look for a while…I saw him just hold my note and express a small tini winny smile to himself. He didn’t even look at me. However I was just too happy that I had expressed my feelings. Really didn’t bother for a response for after all he was a stranger.

Next day during the lunch break as I was chasing these 2 beautiful butterflies I wanted to capture them in my camera came up M towards me. He caught me by a total surprise and said that he wanted to Thank me for the lovely note which he felt that I had written from my heart. He thought it was beautiful and that he would cherish it and keep it with him forever. The way he said all this was so beautiful and I was pleasantly amazed at the way he expressed his gratitude ( and he thinks he can't express ???– Grin ).

I was in awestruck as that is the 1st time I ever heard him speak…in that moment of awe I almost got speechless ( imagine me …the chatter box completely speechless… must have been something mind boggling to make that miracle happen … he he he ) I just foolishly smiled and walked away. I was very very happy …its so true when they say ‘Courage has power, genius and magic’ Magic is what I experienced at that moment.

There after M has been expressing him self beautifully with spoken words too and I am really really happy to see his beautiful expressions to people around and to me.

This incident made me realize the beauty of expressing our emotions. I thought of all those times I had held back expressing myself to people with the fear of rejection. Chances are that I would have got such beautiful responses then as well. I took a decision that very moment is that from here on I am going to gather the courage, listen to my heart and express my feelings without fear of the outcome. There may be times that my expression will not be well taken but in the long run I think I have gathered the faith that they will be understood and will touch peoples lives. I too will accept people’s expressions with an open mind from here on.

With this belief I have decided that I shall take the leap of faith and express truly what my heart guides me to express. Thanks once again for this beautiful realization. Love u UNIVERSE !

Soul Connections

2006-10-15T22:19:00.000+04:00

3rd Oct 2006
Often heard of words like ‘Soul connections’, ‘Soul mates’ etc. Yashi aunty always told me about them but I don’t think I had clarity on the subject until today…

What I understand about them is that they are strong connections with people that attract you to them or them to u. They may be complete strangers but seem like you have known them from some where …may be a past life too. You can chance upon them anywhere…usually they come into your life most unexpected yet with a very important purpose for you. The purpose could be to make you realize something you need at that moment, at times cause a break through for you, at times just to make you experience the most beautiful emotions that you probably would have forgotten or was missing in your life,at times they guide you to the right path. They always come by your soul calling …we usually are not aware of if.
The relationship between both of u is very beautiful. At times they walk hand in hand with you at every step of life, at times they show u their purpose and stay connected in some way or the other. The amazing part is that even if they are away they connect with you via thoughts and dreams…they just know when you need them and come to the moment they receive your calling. Unbelievable as it may sound its as real as Miracles.

I too have been meeting few such ‘soul connections’ in the last few years. They have always existed in my life; I guess I am more aware of them now. Here are few that I know for sure are my soul connections…

Yashi aunty, the center of my world, I lovingly call her my surrogate mother. Her gajjar ka halwa and reading out ‘ The precious present’ on one strange evening 11 years back opened doors that has lead me to live a better quality life over the years. It filled my life with love and sweetness. She was the one who introduced me to this beautiful path of spirituality. She has been seeding me with the right thoughts all these years and I see some beautiful flowers blossoming now. She is my true soul connection.

Niki, my best friend who so innocently reading my blog a few days back claimed that either she doesn’t have a soul or experiences. She has in the last 15 years been my true soul sister. She has lived my every experience, moment of happiness, or sadness or love. She can actually read my thoughts and tell me exactly what she feels about them without asking her. No matter where we are she is part of my every prayer, thought and existence. I love her truly.

Bhaskar, a stranger I met in Oct 05 on a return train journey from north east.The connection was so strong…inspite of staying in different cities we have shared all our experiences and moments ( happy ones, sad ones and weak ones) ever since. Funny part is that we rarely meet but some way or the other always stay connected and share a lot. Right this moment I wish he was here with me … though I know in our thoughts we are connected.
Abhijit..little did I know the stranger that I met at a office party in Nov ’05 will lead me to the path of Transformation and introduce me to a BIG loving family I have been seeking for a long while.A family that is blessed with abundance of Love. It’s strange how we barely meet but yet the moment we think of each other ‘pop’ comes a message or an opportunity to connect. I use call it spooky but he would lovingly correct me and call it a soul connection. I totally cherish this connection of mine and love him dearly. May god fill his life with happiness and al that he needs and desires.

And now Anil from Dubai whom I have just met 3 days back here at Goa ( Reiki Intensive )All I know at the moment is his nameand that he is from Dubai but I feel that I have known him for long ...I don’t know where this connection will lead or what it’s purpose is but at the moment it feel great. Today I followed my heart and in my sharing reached out him to tell him how I felt this strong connection with him. Hesitant I was but I am glad I reached out …confused as he seemed about my statement but has very lovingly been reciprocating and acknowledging the connection.

I am sure there are many more connections I have and shall explore in the coming days, months, years.I want to thank Yashi Aunty for introducing me to the concept of ‘soul connections’ and the universe for all the experiences to give me clarity on my soul mates and connections

4th Oct 2006
Its been 2 days since I announced my soul connection with Anil and funnily we have been in silence ever since, I have yet not spoken a word to him and yet I think I already know what the purpose of this connection is.

He is like this very adorable baby who seems to be full of unconditional love. H seems very caring and playful ( Masti is more like the word that can describe him). Almost sounds like Krishna na …

With all his loving gestures and eyes he has showered me with affection and unconditional love.I can’t even describe the feeling..

This beautiful soul has made me realize that there is abundance of love, affection and pampering the universe has to offer me. And I truly deserve every bit of it. There are many more soul connections waiting for me to accept them…All I need to do is break those barriers of hesitation with complete trust in what ever the outcome (like I had with Anil too) an accept what ever comes in my life gracefully.

Anil, my soul mate. I acknowledge your presence in my life and no matter where we shall be after these 8 days..in our hearts we shall always remain connected.

7th Oct 2006
Last 2 days we have not been in total silence and I actually reached out to a lot of people .. infact most of them did. The most important was talking to Anil. He is like this baby brother I always needed. He is 25 yrs old but has a amazing mix of playfulness and maturity. As he spoke to me about himself , life and love it was so dazed at this cute baby’s commitment and maturity.

Like every younger brother … no matter how many years younger he may be but always are the most protective and loving brother to his elder sister who they love to give ‘Gyan’ sessions . I got one such Gyan session on life, love and relationships he he he … I patiently, lovingly heard him out. Smiled to myself and enjoyed every moment of it.

I wish to thank him for all the love and affection he has showered on me in the last few days and sincerely pray to God to fulfill all his dreams and wishes.